Building Your Army

Imagine what your life would look like if you had hundreds of advocates; hundreds of people who loved being around you, were excited to see you, spend time with you, would think of you first when a job opportunity, or anything else came up. Imagine an army of people out there saying good things about you behind your back. Imagine being that guy who people were talking about when they told others "There's this guy I've just GOT to introduce you to." What could you achieve in life with the deep support of so many others?

If you want this but think that it sounds about as likely as winning the lottery, I have good news for you; making deep connections with other people is a learnable skill like riding a bike, or learning to speak a foreign language.

How do we judge others? What is it about somebody that makes us like them, hate them, not notice them?

The answer is this; we judge others by how they make us feel. We like people who make us feel good, who attract us. Maybe it's physical attractiveness, or sense of humor, or a common interest, or common dislike. If being around them makes us feel good, we will go out of our way to be around them. This is such a strong pull that it works even if they make us feel good by appealing to our worst selves, such as feeding an insecurity.

Once you say it out loud, it's so obvious; we like people who make us feel good.

This is one of the more powerful realizations about the human condition; if you understand that people are attracted to those who make them feel good, you've got the secret to connecting with people, the secret to creating advocates.

So, how do you use this realization to start creating the life you dream about?

You start making people feel good when you are around. The most effective way to make people feel good is to take an interest in them. When you talk with them, be an active, genuinely interested listener. Ask questions, find out what they are interested in, BE interested in what they're interested in.

Think about it; how do most conversations between two people go? Each of them keeps bringing it back to themselves. "Oh cool, you went fishing over the weekend? Well, I caught a huge fish on my last trip to Mexico blah blah blah..." Each of them might as well be having a conversation alone. Neither one is really listening to the other; neither one really cares about what the other is saying. When the other is talking, they are just thinking about what they are going to say next; they may even interrupt to talk about THEIR experience. Does this sound familiar?

Is either of them getting any sort of true fulfillment out of talking with each other? No, each is doing their best to connect with the other by telling the other about themselves. It just doesn't work.

If one of the people in that conversation followed the Forging Leaders blog and implemented the behaviors discussed here, that fishing conversation would look like this. "Oh cool, you went fishing over the weekend? Did you catch anything? Really? That's awesome! Where were you at? What bait did you use? Have you been fishing for a long time? Oh, you grew up going fishing with your Dad? How old were you when you first went?" ***The next one is the home run question*** "What is your favorite memory of fishing with your father when you were young?" BAM!!!

You've just used a conversation about fishing to make a connection. You now know something about him that very few other people in the world know. Better yet, you just made him feel important because you showed genuine interest. Better yet, you just made him feel good by revisiting a favorite childhood memory that he probably hasn't thought about in years.

Yes, it's that simple. Start changing the way you talk with people. Here are a couple of Forging Leaders rules to using conversation to connect.

Rule #1: Ask at least 5 questions for every declarative statement you make.
Rule #2: Maintain eye contact at least 80% of the conversation.
Rule #3: Wait at least 2 seconds after they stop speaking to start saying something.

There are more than 3 rules, but those should get you started. Get out there TODAY and have a different kind of conversation with somebody. Get out there today and start building your army.

P.S. Try this with your wife.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah