Life is a Team Sport

How well you connect with other people will determine the majority of your success in life.

Think about it; how did you meet your wife? How did you get your current job? How about your previous job? If you're like most people, you met the girl; you got the job, or at least the interview, because you knew somebody. Most things in life are like that; after all "It's who you know, not what you know that matters."

It was the summer of 2005; I had been out of fighting for five years. My last professional mixed martial arts fight was in April of 2000. I was now living in Sacramento, CA with, Andrea, my wife of four years. I worked in the mortgage business, I owned my own home; I was all grown up. So, when one of my good friends said "Jerry, you should try out for The Ultimate Fighter.", a new mixed martial arts reality TV show, my first reaction was to laugh. The reason that I didn't completely reject the idea was that the good friend was Chuck Liddell, soon to be UFC light heavyweight champion of the world. Chuck and I had trained and fought together in San Luis Obispo back in the 20th century. Chuck thought that I had a good shot at winning the show and the $100,000 UFC contract.

I spent the next five months in the gym. Most days, I worked out at least three hours, some days as much as five hours. It took me five months, but I got back in fighting shape. Per the instructions on www.ufc.com, I made an interview tape, and because I didn't have any of my fights recorded, I made a training tape. I sent all that in to the production company that makes The Ultimate Fighter show for Spike TV. The response was underwhelming. I heard nothing...crickets.

It was late November; the selection deadline had just passed. The lucky 50 guys who were selected to travel to Las Vegas for a five-day interview process had already received their calls. Did 31 year old Jeremiah, who had been out of the fight game for five years hear back from Spike TV? No.

Chuck called me later that day, "How's it going Jerry, you hear back yet?" I told him I hadn't. He said he had to go, and we hung up. Fifteen minutes later, my phone rang; it was the production company for The Ultimate Fighter; I was headed to Vegas! It turns out that Chuck had called London to speak with Dana White, the President of the UFC, who called the head of The Ultimate Fighter, who called the production company, who called me.

So, I made it to Vegas, but washed out during the interview round. I know; pretty anticlimactic.

The point of the story is that because of a friendship, I got to have an experience that few others ever get to; I got flown to Las Vegas and put up in a hotel for five days of interviews for a TV show. Again, "It's who you know…”.

People will often use that as an excuse to explain why they didn't get the job, or the promotion, or the scholarship. They’ll explain away their failures as the result of somebody else having the relationship. Rather than use it as an excuse, it can become your mantra. You can use it to be deliberate about building new friendships, and strengthening your existing ones.

Jeffrey Gitomer, one of the preeminent sales gurus, says "The person who will make the biggest impact on your business in the next two years is somebody you don't know today."

The message is clear. If you want to achieve your dreams and live the life you were meant to live, you're going to need help; lots of help. Life is a team sport.

The problem for most guys is that we stop making close friends in 8th grade; ok, maybe college if we're lucky. Once we get married and get a "real job", most men stop seeking out friendship. I have actually heard someone say "I have all the friends I need." Bulls#&*. Nothing fulfills and connects us like close relationships with other people. The truth is that most guys are scared to open up enough to other men in order to create these true friendships. There is a fear that if we reach out to connect on any sort of deep level with another guy, we'll be mocked; rejected. It's this fear of rejection that keeps most men isolated.

Men, I have news for you; every other guy has the same fear. Take the lead, reach out to somebody you like, start having deeper conversations, expose yourself (figuratively), take the risk and make the connection.

Life is a team sport. Who's in your starting line-up?

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Forging Your Armor

Every man can become the man he wishes he was; every man can become the hero in his life story. Most men fall short, not because they're weak, or bad, or stupid, or lazy; most men fall short, because they aren't deliberate, they don't have a map, and they won't stop and ask for directions.

Watch a man tackle a project that lies within his passion, like landscaping a back yard, building a deck, planning a fantasy football draft, or preparing for a hunting trip. What do you see? You see a man possessed with deliberation. He plans his project down to the smallest detail; he hatches contingency plans, back-up plans for his contingency plans. Then he executes; he pours his heart into the doing; he'll stay up late after his wife has gone to bed, he'll work through illness, through injury. Nothing can stop him from achieving his vision.

Now, watch a man work on his most important project, becoming the leader in his own life. How much time does he spend in deliberation, planning, making sure that he gives himself and his family the best chance at a satisfying and fulfilling life? How clear is he about his objectives? Does he know where to go for help when life knocks him down? Does he know how to forge deep relationships with his wife and children? Does he know how to foster true friendships with other men so that he has the support that only other men can provide?

Much of the work that I do with my coaching clients is around being deliberate in how they live their lives. One of the first ideas that I share with them is the concept of their Armor. Armor is authentic self-confidence. This Armor allows the wearer to take big risks with the knowledge that their Armor will protect him from harm. The Armored man can forgive someone who has betrayed him, he can offer genuine encouragement to a peer at work, he can initiate a deep, meaningful conversation with someone he doesn't know well. The Armored man can put themselves in vulnerable, scary situations and know that they will be OK.

In order to better illustrate what Armor is, I will describe the alternatives to Armor. Every single person on Earth has learned behaviors to keep themselves safe from harm.

The first alternative to Armor is "burrowing." Burrowers are people who just avoid risk and live entirely inside their comfort zone; after all, if they don't risk, they can't lose, right? Well, actually, if you don't risk, you lose in the worst way possible; you lose by living an ordinary life. Burrowers have dug in and withdrawn from life; they don't have any deep relationships (the biggest risk of all), they don't live in their passions. They just stay safe and sound in their burrow.

If you spend all of your time doing the same, comfortable activities, with the same, safe people; if you haven't tried new things, if you haven't failed lately, you may be a burrower.

The second alternative to Armor is "building walls". "Wallers" are people who seem to be full of confidence, who seem to tackle life head-on. They often come off as cocky, as supremely confident; but they don't let anybody close to them. Wallers have become experts at putting up walls to prevent others from really getting to know them. Most wallers do this because they're afraid of what others would think if they were just themselves. The waller may look like the Armored man from a distance, but the difference is in the details. The waller doesn't have deep friendships; he doesn't listen during a conversation, he's just waiting for his turn to talk. He takes the credit when he has a success and he assigns blame when he fails. The waller is selfish; he points out the negative in others and the positive in himself. The difference between the burrower and the waller is that the burrower doesn't fail (because he doesn't try); the waller fails, but he blames the failure on others.

If you hold grudges, if you don't offer sincere apologies when you wrong others; if you have dozens of "friends", but nobody who you can go to for support when you really need it, you may be a waller.

There are eight easily recognizable behaviors or traits that identify an Armored man:

1) He has an extremely positive attitude.

2) He's a great listener.

3) He's full of gratitude, and he shares this gratitude with others.

4) He regularly offers sincere compliments to others.

5) He regularly offers sincere encouragement to others.

6) He's quick to apologize sincerely when he hurts somebody.

7) He's quick to forgive when someone hurts him.

8) He asks for help.

Each behavior or trait on this list takes authentic self-confidence, or Armor. Each is difficult; either because it's scary or because it requires him to control his emotions and to act from his best self.

These eight traits are the road map that a man must have in order to become the leader in their life; the hero in their life story. The behaviors get more difficult and build upon themselves. Much like you must learn addition before you tackle calculus, you must start with 1) A Positive Attitude, before you can hope to be successful with 7) Forgiveness.

If you're a man who feels that there must be something more to life than chasing achievement, congratulations! You've had the realization that must occur before you can start on your path to leadership. I encourage you to start with number 1) Positive Attitude and work your way down the list.

If you would like me to help you on your journey, I would be honored. You can reach me at forgingleaders (at) gmail (dot) com or at 916.835.7186.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Motivation vs. Discipline

What was the last thing in your life you began while you were really motivated? Was it a diet, a workout plan, a job, a relationship? What happened once your motivation started falling off? I know what used to happen to me; oops, I'd skip a day at the gym; oops, I'd cheat on my diet.

What would you tell yourself when you failed? "I've just got to get remotivated!"

If you're like most men, those short periods of remotivation resulted in short periods of success, not the long term realization of your goals. Motivation is great in the short-run, but motivation can't be relied on to achieve your long term goals.

The reason it doesn't last is that motivation is an emotional response. We get motivated when we're passionate, guilty, angry, or inspired; we get motivated by an event, New Year's resolutions, an upcoming wedding or vacation, attending a funeral. Have you ever gone to a funeral and thought to yourself "From now on, I'm going to live every day like it's my last." or at least "From now on, I'm going to appreciate my life every day." How long did that last?

The key to achieving your long-term goals, whether they be quitting cigarettes, being a loving husband and father, or making a living out of your passion for playing chess, is discipline.

The best definition I've seen for discipline is:
Discipline: remembering what it is that you want

Unlike motivation, discipline isn't emotionally inspired; because of that, discipline has staying power. A disciplined approach is much different than a motivated approach. The disciplined man knows that his motivation will wax and wane, but that his objective doesn't. He understands that there are some mornings he isn't going to "feel" like getting up early to hit the gym, but that because getting up early to hit the gym is going to get him what he wants, he'll do it anyways.

Marriages fall under the same pattern for most men; they fall in love and get married with the expectation that that same motivation will carry them through. Then, when the passion and excitement fades a bit, when their wife drives them crazy because they don't agree or see eye-to-eye on many of life's decisions, when their wives habits that used to be adorable, become irritating, they become demotivated, fall out of love, stop leading their family, and eventually get divorced.

The disciplined husband knows that he loves his wife, and that his passion for her will ebb and flow throughout their marriage. He also knows that when they are in one of those ebbs, it's only temporary and that he's truely happiest when he's being a loving husband and father. Remembering this let's the disciplined husband continue to dote on and to adore his wife even when things aren't perfect.

Where in your life is your primary drive your motivation level? Make the switch to discipline and you'll have more success in keeping long-term commitments and achieving long-term goals.

Until next time, Take the lead!

Jeremiah

Orienting your Compass

When you ask anybody what they want in life, "happiness" is at least part of their answer. So if everybody can so clearly identify "happiness" as their goal, why are there so many millions of miserable people? Why are there happy people in some of the most miserable places on earth and miserable people in some of the happiest places on earth? Why do so many people chase happiness only to arrive at the opposite result?

I believe that happiness is largely a result of two things:

1)Living in alignment with your core values
2)Close relationships with other people

This article will focus on the first, living your core values.

Doesn't it make sense that if you consistently acted in a way that aligns with your core values that you would be happier? Of course it does. You would have more self-respect, more confidence, more peace of mind and more satisfaction.

The first step towards true, sustainable happiness is to identify your core values. Core values are those attributes that you hold in the highest esteem; they are the most important components of a persons makeup.

So, what are YOUR core values? If you're like most people, you've never been deliberate about identifying and writing down your core values. I call this process orienting your compass.

Just like any journey, the first step on the road to happiness is determining where you are and which direction is north. You've got to get your bearings before you can point yourself in the right direction. Later, once our compass is oriented, we will pick a destination and build our roadmap. But for now, we need that compass.

Keep in mind that when determining your core values, that you must differentiate between values, which are traits or attributes that dictate behavior, versus outcomes. As an example, determination would be the value, success would be the outcome. Positive attitude would be the value, happiness would be the outcome. Integrity and duty are the values, being trusted, or being respected are the outcomes.

If you are having trouble identifying your top three core values, you can borrow the traits of your heroes. Think of the people who you respect most in the world. These can be historical figures, people you personally know, religious leaders, or even celebrities. Write a list of the 3-5 people you respect the most. Then evaluate the list to determine which traits you like most about those people. Once you have your list of traits, ask yourself "If I could pick three of these traits to live the rest of my life by and be the happiest with my life, which three would they be?"

My core values are Duty, Integrity and Curiosity. If I live a life in which I fulfill my obligations without having to be asked, do what I say I'm going to do and approach the world eager to ask questions and learn, I would be happy with my life.

Once you narrow down your core values list down to your top three, you're ready for the next step in orienting your compass.

Write down the first of your three core values; underneath it, write three specific actions or behaviors that would support that value. Here are mine:

Duty:
1)I will clean up after myself and be responsible for my own stuff
2)I will treat others with love and kindness
3)I will be a positive influence on any environment or relationship

You can see that with each of these actions or behaviors it's easy to see if I am doing it or not, there is no gray area. It would obviously be a failure of behavior 1 if I left a mess somewhere, like trash on the floor in the movie theatre. It would also be a failure of behavior 1 if I lost my umbrella. Behavior 2 is even easier; did I come from a place of love when I interacted with somebody? If I ever ridicule or critize someone in a destructive way, I obviously failed at behavior 3.

Go ahead and write three behaviors for the second and third of your three core values.

You'll end up with a list of three core values and nine behaviors. For the next 90 days, match your actions with the values and behaviors on your list. When you get into a situation where you normally act outside of these values, you're going to have to be very deliberate about acting in this new way.

The most challenging times for me are when I have an emotional response to something. In the heat of the moment, I have to remind myself how I want to act and that being a leader in my life is more important than getting angry, irritated or scared. Then I act the opposite of how I feel.

I actually have a bracelet that has "Act the Opposite" written on it to help me remember. Do whatever you must in order to change your behavior; the rest of your life depends on it.

When I started doing this myself, I started seeing immediate changes in how I felt and in my relationships with others. Everything in my life has changed for the better, yours will too.

I am working on another article to follow up the first 90 days of living your values. In the meantime, choose your core values, write down the behaviors that support them and start living them.

Take the Lead,

Jeremiah