Why Keeping Score Matters

"Do you think it's important to keep score in youth soccer games?" That was the question posed to me in the elevator the other day by a friend of mine visiting from out of town. We had been talking about the importance of kids' involvement in sports teams or other social activities when he popped the question about keeping score.

Is it important to keep score or should everyone be a winner? Great question, with ramifications far beyond youth sports.

Keeping score is vitally important; not so much for the winners, but for the losers. Every important lesson I've learned in life has been the result of losing. Losing at sports, failing a test, failing in business, losing friendships; all these losses have taught me lessons of humility, integrity, duty, love, sacrifice, setting proper expectations, having uncomfortable conversations sooner rather than later, how to be a better friend, a better business partner, a better brother a better husband, and a better person. Heck, losing even taught me to be a gracious winner. I shudder when I consider the person I would be today without those failures.

So, back to the question. "Why is keeping score important?" If we don't keep score, we rob children of the most precious of experiences, the experience of failure. If you buy into the idea that humans learn through failing, you should view failure as something to be cherished, not avoided. If kids don't have the opportunity to fail and to learn that failure isn't the end of the world; that failure is actually the key to eventual success, then they turn into adults who are so afraid of failure that they don't actually live.

Braveheart said it best, "Every man dies, not every man truly lives." Most men don't truly live because they're scared of losing; they're scared of chasing their dreams and passions with everything they have, and of coming up short. It's much safer to just not try.

I'm not sure exactly who first put forward the idea that failure is bad for a child's self esteem, but they are exactly wrong. What's bad for a child's self esteem is to never be put in a position where failure was possible. What's bad for a child's self esteem is to be so coddled and insulated by their parents that they never gain the authentic self confidence that is earned by failing and trying again, and failing again, and trying again and finally succeeding.

Soon, your son or daughter is going to have an opportunity to fail; let them.


Take the lead,

Jeremiah

The 5 Things Men Do To F*ck Up Their Marriages

**Disclaimer 1** This article contains some poorly disguised profanity and is not for children.

**Disclaimer 2** Guys, as we know, every woman is as unique as a beautiful snowflake, so it's possible that something in this article misses the mark in your marriage...but I doubt it.

By the time we reach our mid 30s, most guys are so confounded by the opposite sex that we feel like women, our wives included, are an unsolvable mystery. Somewhere along the way, our strategy changed from love her/fulfill her/make her feel like a queen, to, do just enough so she doesn't make my life hell. The reason our strategy changed is that we've built the wrong habits and laid down the wrong behavior patterns between us and our wives.

Before we look at the ways men f*ck up their marriages, let's examine men's and women's natural roles.

Men have been gifted with physical strength and the aggression required to defend their loved ones, and to attack and kill those who threaten their family unit. Masculine energy is strong, confident and protective.

Women have been gifted with the inner strength to endure pain and suffering in order to care for their family along with the gentle spirit required to nurture and care for her children and husband. Feminine energy is nurturing, resilient and caring. If you have any doubt about the difference in inner strength, observe how men and women act when they're sick. Women push through it as much as possible to keep their home in order and children cared for; men are usually on the couch with a “blankie” and a bowl of soup(me included).

In a healthy marriage, husband and wife are on equal levels, playing different, but equally important roles.

There is one more thing to cover before we get to the f*ckups; guys, if you learn nothing else from this article, remember this: The most fundamental need that your wife has is to feel SAFE in her marriage and with you as her husband. This desire for safety and security is so powerful that when it is unfulfilled, the entire fabric of the marriage begins to unravel.

Now that we covered that, on to the f*ckups.

F*ckup #1 - Ship Without a Captain

Just like a ship without a captain, a marriage without a leader drifts aimlessly on the tides, carried wherever the currents take it. As the husband, it's your job to be the leader of your family, the captain of your ship. Here's the deal; when the husband isn't stepping up and leading the family, the wife feels it. Her sense of security is threatened; after all, the ship needs a captain! She does the only thing she can, she tries to take over the ship, but because it's not her natural role, it doesn't work. You're guilty of this f*ckup if you've given the emotional control of your relationship to your wife. The question "who wears the pants in the family?" is really telling. The family needs a strong, confident leader; it should be you.

F*ckup #2 - Just Wait Till Your Mother Gets Home

When in doubt, there is a quick test to determine who the leader of the family is; “who disciplines the kids?” Guys, the mother's natural role is of nurturing and caring for her children. The quickest way to lose her respect and to surrender control of the marriage is to leave the discipline of your children to your wife. In a healthy marriage, both parents participate in correcting the children; however the bulk of the discipline, especially any physical discipline, should come from the father. In a healthy family, the kids have at least a small measure of fear of their father; they should know that if they make bad decisions, their father is going to hold them accountable. Take this function back from your wife and allow her to shift back into her natural role.

F*ckup #3 - Ah, Push It

In a healthy marriage, husband = leader. Because of this, the most important leadership behavior is also the most important husband behavior; that behavior is using "pull energy". There are two ways to try to get what you want in your marriage and in your life, "push energy" and "pull energy". Here's what "push energy" looks like in a marriage: the husband tells his wife what she should do, how she should act or react, he tells her all the things he's going to do in life, he tells her to clean the house, he tells her to get in better shape, he tells her how she is wrong, he creates an adversarial relationship, he plays take-away and removes her sense of security. Does any of that sound familiar?

Here's what "pull energy" looks like in a marriage: husband shows his wife how he wants her to act towards him by modeling that behavior to her, consistently, lovingly, confidently. Rather than telling her all the things he is GOING to do, he just does them and let's her see the results. He makes the effort to clean up the house, he shows his wife how important it is to him through his behavior, not his words. He doesn't tell her to get in shape; he pays attention to eating well and to working out so that she sees how important fitness is to him; not because of his words, but because of his behavior. He creates a positive, encouraging, complimenting, forgiving, apologizing, listening relationship through HIS behavior. He doesn't tell her to encourage him, to compliment him, to forgive him; he encourages her, compliments her, and forgives her. He realizes that her sense of security is the foundation of EVERYTHING, he protects that foundation, he holds it sacred.

You know you're guilty of this f*ckup if you find yourself frustrated, angry and hurt in your marriage. If you're always TELLING your wife all the things you're GOING to do someday. If you've let yourself get overweight, if you don't take care of yourself and don't pay attention to how you smell. If you always tell your wife how you feel when you're scared or insecure. If you find yourself saying things like; "why don't you appreciate everything I do for this family."

F*ckup #4 - Dogs, and Women Can Smell Weakness

Guys, your wife doesn't need to know about every ache, injury, fear, doubt or insecurity you have. Until I realized that I'm the leader in my marriage, I didn't understand that sharing all of my fears and weaknesses with my wife was only undermining my ability to lead. Just like men want their wives to be a lady in the parlor and a freak in the bedroom, women want a husband who's a warrior on the battlefield and a father in the home. Women want a strong, battle-hardened man, who will do ANYTHING in the world to keep her and her children safe. This feeds her sense of security.

You've all seen Braveheart and Gladiator; imagine how his men would have reacted if William Wallace had called them around the campfire the night before the big battle and said "Men, should we really meet the English on the field of battle tomorrow? We're outnumbered, under-armed, we're without cavalry; I doubt that we can be victorious; isn't anyone else scared of dying? Maybe we should just go back to our families and our farms and forget this whole thing."

How would his men have reacted if Maximus had told them to fight bravely and die like men, but had stayed in the rear of the battle, away from harm? When it was just him and 12 others on the floor of the Coliseum and those door opened, and those chariots rolled into the arena. When the battle was suppose to go against them, when they were suppose to put up a weak resistance then get killed for the pleasure of the mob. What if Maximus had expressed his fear, his doubt to the dozen men around him? What if he had looked to them for comfort; looked to them for encouragement. How would that battle have gone? Would those men have followed him to victory?

As the husband, YOU are William Wallace, YOU are Maximus. Your wife and children are looking to YOU to lead them; so inspire them, rally them, pick them up when they’re down, congratulate them on their successes, make sure they know that you’ll lead them to victory.

You know you're guilty of this f*ckup if you're constantly going to your wife for comfort, if you're always sharing your fears and insecurities with her, and if you're telling her about every discomfort and boo-boo that you have.

F*ckup #5 - Muffin Top and Man Boobs

Don't you wish your wife was still the hottie that you first fell in love with? Well, she feels the same way about you. We all want to be with a spouse who physically turns us on. Being physically fit does a couple of key things for you. First, it increases your confidence. If you've lost self-esteem, if your self confidence has dropped, getting back into shape is one of the most important things you can do to pump it back up. Second, your wife is going to be more attracted to you and is going to want to get in better shape herself. There is no better way to encourage your wife to get back in shape than making it a priority for yourself.

You're guilty of this f*ckup if you've given up on your appearance, if you don't get exercise, don't pay attention to how you eat, if you're eyebrows, ear hair or nose hair are way out of control, and if you're stinky.

Well, that's it guys. If you take this advice to heart and eliminate these five f*ckups, you'll see a HUGE shift in the energy between you and your wife. These f*ckups are responsible for millions of divorces, mid-life crises and kids growing up without their dads. Do your part to start rebuilding the institution of marriage, eliminate these f*ckups in your life. And because every man is guilty of at least one of these, pass this article on to all the guys you know.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Building Your Army

Imagine what your life would look like if you had hundreds of advocates; hundreds of people who loved being around you, were excited to see you, spend time with you, would think of you first when a job opportunity, or anything else came up. Imagine an army of people out there saying good things about you behind your back. Imagine being that guy who people were talking about when they told others "There's this guy I've just GOT to introduce you to." What could you achieve in life with the deep support of so many others?

If you want this but think that it sounds about as likely as winning the lottery, I have good news for you; making deep connections with other people is a learnable skill like riding a bike, or learning to speak a foreign language.

How do we judge others? What is it about somebody that makes us like them, hate them, not notice them?

The answer is this; we judge others by how they make us feel. We like people who make us feel good, who attract us. Maybe it's physical attractiveness, or sense of humor, or a common interest, or common dislike. If being around them makes us feel good, we will go out of our way to be around them. This is such a strong pull that it works even if they make us feel good by appealing to our worst selves, such as feeding an insecurity.

Once you say it out loud, it's so obvious; we like people who make us feel good.

This is one of the more powerful realizations about the human condition; if you understand that people are attracted to those who make them feel good, you've got the secret to connecting with people, the secret to creating advocates.

So, how do you use this realization to start creating the life you dream about?

You start making people feel good when you are around. The most effective way to make people feel good is to take an interest in them. When you talk with them, be an active, genuinely interested listener. Ask questions, find out what they are interested in, BE interested in what they're interested in.

Think about it; how do most conversations between two people go? Each of them keeps bringing it back to themselves. "Oh cool, you went fishing over the weekend? Well, I caught a huge fish on my last trip to Mexico blah blah blah..." Each of them might as well be having a conversation alone. Neither one is really listening to the other; neither one really cares about what the other is saying. When the other is talking, they are just thinking about what they are going to say next; they may even interrupt to talk about THEIR experience. Does this sound familiar?

Is either of them getting any sort of true fulfillment out of talking with each other? No, each is doing their best to connect with the other by telling the other about themselves. It just doesn't work.

If one of the people in that conversation followed the Forging Leaders blog and implemented the behaviors discussed here, that fishing conversation would look like this. "Oh cool, you went fishing over the weekend? Did you catch anything? Really? That's awesome! Where were you at? What bait did you use? Have you been fishing for a long time? Oh, you grew up going fishing with your Dad? How old were you when you first went?" ***The next one is the home run question*** "What is your favorite memory of fishing with your father when you were young?" BAM!!!

You've just used a conversation about fishing to make a connection. You now know something about him that very few other people in the world know. Better yet, you just made him feel important because you showed genuine interest. Better yet, you just made him feel good by revisiting a favorite childhood memory that he probably hasn't thought about in years.

Yes, it's that simple. Start changing the way you talk with people. Here are a couple of Forging Leaders rules to using conversation to connect.

Rule #1: Ask at least 5 questions for every declarative statement you make.
Rule #2: Maintain eye contact at least 80% of the conversation.
Rule #3: Wait at least 2 seconds after they stop speaking to start saying something.

There are more than 3 rules, but those should get you started. Get out there TODAY and have a different kind of conversation with somebody. Get out there today and start building your army.

P.S. Try this with your wife.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah