Leadership Fundamentals Part 3 - Tools

Hey Guys,

October was an awesome and crazy month. On the downside, I only wrote one blog article, on the way upside, I got to present "Eyes Up - how to get what you want through deliberate conversations", to almost 300 people in three cities. I've also been working on the new forgingleaders.com, it is just a landing page right now, but my brother Troy and I are looking to launch the new site at the beginning of 2011. It's gonna rock! Plus, I've been doing a ton of reading and coaching, so I have a lot to write about in November.

In this article, I'm going to describe the third pillar of leadership, making sure your team has the tools and/or resources they need to be successful. If you haven't read part 1 and part 2 yet, go do that first, then come back.

So, as a leader, you've communicated a clear vision to your team, you've made sure that they understand their role and what is expected of them; now, it's time to make sure that each team member has the tools they need to be successful. I use the term "tools" to mean the actual equipment they need to do their job, e.g. a sawsall, a ladder, a copy of MS Excel 2007, as well as the skills they need, e.g. sales training, systems training, or leadership training.

Lot's of times, as leaders we just assume that our people will come to us if they need something; we may even pride ourselves on our "hands-off leadership". The truth is that's just lazy leadership. It's our duty to check in with our team to make sure that they have what they need; in fact, they may not even know what they are missing.

If you're doing a good job of checking in with your people on a regular basis, you'll probably see where they could use some help. Even so, I uncover all sorts of training opportunities and resource gaps by asking the following questions every chance I get; "What can I do to support you?" and "What do you need to be successful this week?"

As with everything else I write about for Forging Leaders, this applies equally at home as it does in the office. When was the last time you checked in with your kids and your wife to see how you could support them?

Next time, I'll wrap up the Leadership Fundamentals series with the fourth pillar, Accountability.

Until then, keep your eyes up and take the lead,

Jeremiah

Leadership Fundamentals: Part 2 of 4 - Who Does What

Hey Guys,
Last time, I wrote about the first function of a leader; defining our vision and communicating it to our team. By the way, whenever I use the word "team" in these articles, I just mean the people who work together towards a common goal; it could be your family, the people at your work, the people at your church, or the people in any organization in which you are a leader.

Once people on our team "get" what our vision is, the next thing they are going to need to know is how they personally fit in to that vision. That brings us to our next function of a leader, setting roles and expectations. That's just a fancy way to say "making sure that each person on the team knows what their job is and what is expected of them".

"Why is this so important?" you ask.

Let me answer that with a question. Think of the last athletic team you played on, it doesn't matter what sport it was. What would have happened during a game if your teammates weren't clear on their role? How would that touchdown throw have worked out if your receiver had forgotten his route? How would that sweet double-play have worked out if the 1st baseman wasn't on the bag? In sports, the slightest variation from your role, from what is expected of you by your teammates can cost your team the game.

In life it's the same way. Think about the last argument you had with your wife; I'd bet you an In-N-Out Double-Double that it was caused by unclear expectations. What YOU thought was suppose to happen wasn't what SHE thought was suppose to happen.

These misunderstandings happen just as often at work; although the consequences are different. Rather than a night sleeping on the couch, people lose their jobs; or at the very least, damage their reputation. "I don't think Tim is the right person to handle the new account, he really let me down last time."

The lesson here is that each of us is responsible for making sure that we communicate clear, agreed-on expectations with every person who looks to us for leadership. "If you fail to set expectations, expect to fail"

So, ask yourself "Have I set expectations clearly?", "Am I setting someone up to fail because I haven't made sure that they have clear expectations?" Then, go talk with your team; ask them if they understand their role and what you and the rest of the team expect from them. If anyone is confused about their role, it's up to you to help them get clear.

If you have any questions about these conversations, or about setting expectations in general, reach out to me through the comment section or you can email me at forgingleades (at) gmail (dot) com

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Leadership Fundamentals: Part 1 of 4 - Vision Test

You know how when you get a new gadget, you start noticing all the other people who have the same gadget? Before I got an iPad I never saw them; now that I have one, they're everywhere; it's the same way with leadership. Now that I spend so much time writing and coaching in the area of leadership, the behavior of leaders jumps out at me wherever I go. I've noticed some inspiring examples of leaders who really get it, and almost every day I see examples of leaders totally wiffing, missing the point, forgetting their role.

Whether you're a leader in your family, your team, your company or your community, there are four vital functions that, as the leader, it's your job to fill. So often, leaders ignore, gloss over or delegate these functions, always to the detriment of those who follow them. This article is the first in a four-part series that will help you identify if you've got this leadership thing nailed, or whether you've got important work to do.

Develop a clear vision of where you're taking your family/team/company and communicate that vision with the rest of your team in a way that they can understand

Remember, as leader, YOU are the captain of the ship; does the rest of your crew know where the ship is headed, or do they think it's just drifting aimlessly on the currents? It may sound like a trivial thing, but when a wife understands that her husband has a plan and is leading their family towards a common goal, she will support him through anything; when she feels like the family is aimless, she gets scared, frustrated and loses confidence in him. The same goes for the workplace; the people whom you manage will throw themselves and their passion into their work if they know that you're leading them someplace they want to go. If you don't provide this vision, they lose interest, maximize their sick days and do as little work as possible. After all, if their work isn't important, why should they spend the energy it takes to do a great job?

Imagine that you work for an aimless company; the culture has eroded, the employees are cynical, people do barely enough to scrape by in their roles. Whoever creates a vision that people can get excited about and believe in, will start being looked to by their peers and by their "superiors" as a leader. Leadership isn't about position, it's about vision.

There's a great example in one of my favorite movies of all time. Why was William Wallace such a powerful leader in Braveheart? People followed him because he had a profound vision of a Scotland that was free of the English; his passion came through when he communicated that vision and he got his people to risk everything to follow him. The same holds true in real life; Nelson Mandella had a vision for a South Africa without aparteid, George Washington had a vision for a United States of America. I challenge you to think of a great leader without a powerful vision; one cannot exist without the other. In order for you to become a great leader in your own life, the vision must come first.

So, what's your vision? Where are you leading your family? What is your team working so hard to achieve every day at work? Get clear about your vision, get good at sharing it with the people around you and watch what happens.

Take the Lead

Jeremiah

3 Things Coaching Has Taught Me About Leadership

Over the past six months, I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to be the leadership coach to a handful of amazing men. These are men who are working to be better leaders in their family, in their business and in their communities. In that time, I’ve learned as much from them as they have from me; this article contains some of the lessons that have meant the most. Take these lessons and use them to become a better leader in your life.

1. Get THEM to say it

In our lives, the way that most of us try to influence, or solve problems, or inspire somebody is to tell them what to do, to give them the answer. I’ve learned that rather than giving somebody the answer, if I can ask them the right questions to lead THEM to say the answer, it will mean so much more to them and they are much more likely to actually do something with it. If I tell them the answer, it’s my answer; if I get them to say the answer, it’s their answer; they own it. To use this lesson in your life, stop telling people what to do and stop giving people the answer; resist the urge. Rather, ask them probing questions so they are able to come up with their own answer.

2. If you clearly define the problem, the solution presents itself

So much of the frustration that we face in life is due to a lack of clarity about the problems we face. I’ve learned that with any problem I face, the first and most important step is to define that problem with absolute clarity. Until I’ve done that, any effort I spend in solving that problem is wasted. Much of the time, the problem my clients thought they were faced with, was actually something else entirely. Once they clearly defined the problem, the solution always presented itself. To use this lesson in your life, stop jumping right into problem solving; I know guys, it's nearly impossible. Spend more time in clearly identifying the problem; when you think you know what it is, ask five more questions. Only when you are absolutely certain about the problem, then, start thinking about a solution.

3. The truth is never the first thing we say

People protect what’s important to them. I know that to be true, but for some reason, I still assumed that my coaching clients would just open up immediately and pour their deep truths at my feet. I’ve learned that many people have never engaged in conversation with someone who is just interested in listening. I’ve learned that most people haven’t even admitted their deepest fears and motivations to themselves, much less someone outside of their family. I’ve learned that by listening and by asking thoughtful follow-up questions, eventually, people say what is true and what is important. I’ve learned that the first few answers people give are surface level answers meant to appease, but not to reveal. The truth is never the first thing we say. To use this lesson in your life, stop accepting the first answer you get. Ask follow up questions like, "tell me more about that", "how does that make you feel?", and "why is that important to you?". If you're not sure whether you're at the truth, just shut up and let them keep talking; silence is the best revealer of truth.

It wasn't until after I finished writing this article that I realized that all three lessons teach the same thing. Stop talking; ask questions and listen.

If you have any questions about any of these lessons, or about leadership coaching in general, feel free to reach out to me at forgingleaders@gmail.com

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Eyes Up

What’s the best way to get what you want?

How do you give yourself the best chance of success in any interaction whether it is a conversation with your wife, a sales presentation, an escalation with an irate customer, a job interview, a guys weekend retreat, a trip to the park with your kids, a lunch meeting with your boss; anything?

Have you ever been so deep in the actual "doing" of a job, or project, or relationship, that when you finally take a mental step back and evaluate HOW you're doing, you realize that you aren't headed in the right direction? That somehow in the day-to-day living of your life, you've completely lost track of what’s important to you and where you're going?

"Eyes Up" is the term I use to describe the act of checking in with yourself to make sure you're clear about your objectives and that you're on track. Conversely, "Eyes Down" is when you have your head down and are focused on the actual work at hand. In life, it's when we've been Eyes Down for extended periods of time that we get so far from where we meant to go. The way this manifests itself in your life is that you feel like you're stuck in a rut, like you're just spinning your wheels; working so hard, but making no headway.

Here are the three steps to take before any important interaction to give yourself the best chance of success:

Step 1. Ask yourself "What are my objectives in this conversation?" The mere act of clearly identifying what you want before initiating a conversation will cause things to go your way more often. Think about the last time you played pool. What worked better, identifying which ball you wanted to sink and carefully lining up your shot or just hitting the cue ball as hard as you could and see if you got lucky? Don't live your life counting on sinking slop shots.

Something most people miss about this step is that they only identify their single specific objective; e.g. if they go next door to borrow sugar from the neighbor, they would only identify "get sugar" as their objective. Sure, leaving with sugar is the purpose of your visit, but the objectives of "make my neighbor feel valued" and "strengthen my relationship with my neighbor" should be additional goals.

In most every interaction, you will have "commercial" and "cultural" objectives; the commercial objective being the measurable action that you want to come out of the talk, the cultural objective having to do with the relationship between you and them. In the short term, the commercial outcome may seem more critical, in the long term the cultural outcome is always more important. Because of this, I am often willing to lose the battle in order to win the war.

Now that you have clearly identified all of your objectives, let's move to step 2.

Step 2. This step is where we create the right energy, i.e., state of mind, in ourselves so that it is possible to achieve our outcomes. Think about it; if I go into a difficult, uncomfortable conversation with the wrong energy, the chances of getting what I want is very low. I've found that for most conversations the right energy is “Love, Gratitude, Curiosity”

Imagine the kind of conversations you'd have if the other person knew that you cared about THEM more than any commercial outcome, that you were appreciative and thankful for them, and that you were really interested in them. I deliberately use Love, Gratitude, Curiosity(LGC), in any potentially volatile or uncomfortable conversation, e.g., firing somebody, giving constructive criticism, meeting somebody for the first time and asking for business, delivering bad news.

So, you're objectives are clear and your energy is flowing, on to step 3.

Step 3. Identify how you should behave in order to have the best chance of achieving your objectives. Being very clear on the questions you can ask to manage the conversation and the behavior you should model is critical to getting what you want.

Here is a real life example; one of my coaching clients was struggling to build rapport with their top sales rep. Despite having worked with her for over a year, they never connected. This started causing problems when this veteran sales rep started showing her disrespect by making snide comments during team meetings. The situation had the potential to spiral out of control as the sales rep's negative attitude was starting to spread to the other members of the team.

When we met to build a blueprint for how he wanted this conversation to go, my client was very clear on his objective; to get the respect that he felt he deserved as the manager. However, his idea of how to approach this conversation was wrong. He thought he would just tell her that her behavior was unacceptable and then ask her why she acted that way. "I want to know why she's being insubordinate." he said.

What was unclear to him at first was that in order for him to earn her respect and trust, he was going to have to give her his respect and trust first. It’s almost always that case that in order to get something, we must first give it. I call this "Pull Energy". So, once he realized this, he was able to develop a genuine attitude of LGC(Love, Gratitude, Curiosity) and approach her in a way that demonstrated sincere trust. Within two weeks, their relationship went from frustrating and insubordinate to aligned and collaborative.

Here is an exercise I give some of my clients; I encourage you to do it and let me know what you think. For one day, before you initiate ANY interaction or conversation, implement step 1 of the Eyes Up process. That's right, before any call you make, any meeting you attend, any interaction with your wife, your kids, your friends, before ANY interaction, close your eyes for 60 seconds and clearly identify all of the commercial and cultural objectives that you have for that conversation. Then, once the conversation is over or the meeting has ended, check back in with yourself and see if you achieved them.

We're going to use this method in next week's article, "Wife Homework", so get some practice in this week.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Life is a Team Sport

How well you connect with other people will determine the majority of your success in life.

Think about it; how did you meet your wife? How did you get your current job? How about your previous job? If you're like most people, you met the girl; you got the job, or at least the interview, because you knew somebody. Most things in life are like that; after all "It's who you know, not what you know that matters."

It was the summer of 2005; I had been out of fighting for five years. My last professional mixed martial arts fight was in April of 2000. I was now living in Sacramento, CA with, Andrea, my wife of four years. I worked in the mortgage business, I owned my own home; I was all grown up. So, when one of my good friends said "Jerry, you should try out for The Ultimate Fighter.", a new mixed martial arts reality TV show, my first reaction was to laugh. The reason that I didn't completely reject the idea was that the good friend was Chuck Liddell, soon to be UFC light heavyweight champion of the world. Chuck and I had trained and fought together in San Luis Obispo back in the 20th century. Chuck thought that I had a good shot at winning the show and the $100,000 UFC contract.

I spent the next five months in the gym. Most days, I worked out at least three hours, some days as much as five hours. It took me five months, but I got back in fighting shape. Per the instructions on www.ufc.com, I made an interview tape, and because I didn't have any of my fights recorded, I made a training tape. I sent all that in to the production company that makes The Ultimate Fighter show for Spike TV. The response was underwhelming. I heard nothing...crickets.

It was late November; the selection deadline had just passed. The lucky 50 guys who were selected to travel to Las Vegas for a five-day interview process had already received their calls. Did 31 year old Jeremiah, who had been out of the fight game for five years hear back from Spike TV? No.

Chuck called me later that day, "How's it going Jerry, you hear back yet?" I told him I hadn't. He said he had to go, and we hung up. Fifteen minutes later, my phone rang; it was the production company for The Ultimate Fighter; I was headed to Vegas! It turns out that Chuck had called London to speak with Dana White, the President of the UFC, who called the head of The Ultimate Fighter, who called the production company, who called me.

So, I made it to Vegas, but washed out during the interview round. I know; pretty anticlimactic.

The point of the story is that because of a friendship, I got to have an experience that few others ever get to; I got flown to Las Vegas and put up in a hotel for five days of interviews for a TV show. Again, "It's who you know…”.

People will often use that as an excuse to explain why they didn't get the job, or the promotion, or the scholarship. They’ll explain away their failures as the result of somebody else having the relationship. Rather than use it as an excuse, it can become your mantra. You can use it to be deliberate about building new friendships, and strengthening your existing ones.

Jeffrey Gitomer, one of the preeminent sales gurus, says "The person who will make the biggest impact on your business in the next two years is somebody you don't know today."

The message is clear. If you want to achieve your dreams and live the life you were meant to live, you're going to need help; lots of help. Life is a team sport.

The problem for most guys is that we stop making close friends in 8th grade; ok, maybe college if we're lucky. Once we get married and get a "real job", most men stop seeking out friendship. I have actually heard someone say "I have all the friends I need." Bulls#&*. Nothing fulfills and connects us like close relationships with other people. The truth is that most guys are scared to open up enough to other men in order to create these true friendships. There is a fear that if we reach out to connect on any sort of deep level with another guy, we'll be mocked; rejected. It's this fear of rejection that keeps most men isolated.

Men, I have news for you; every other guy has the same fear. Take the lead, reach out to somebody you like, start having deeper conversations, expose yourself (figuratively), take the risk and make the connection.

Life is a team sport. Who's in your starting line-up?

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

The 5 Things Men Do To F*ck Up Their Marriages

**Disclaimer 1** This article contains some poorly disguised profanity and is not for children.

**Disclaimer 2** Guys, as we know, every woman is as unique as a beautiful snowflake, so it's possible that something in this article misses the mark in your marriage...but I doubt it.

By the time we reach our mid 30s, most guys are so confounded by the opposite sex that we feel like women, our wives included, are an unsolvable mystery. Somewhere along the way, our strategy changed from love her/fulfill her/make her feel like a queen, to, do just enough so she doesn't make my life hell. The reason our strategy changed is that we've built the wrong habits and laid down the wrong behavior patterns between us and our wives.

Before we look at the ways men f*ck up their marriages, let's examine men's and women's natural roles.

Men have been gifted with physical strength and the aggression required to defend their loved ones, and to attack and kill those who threaten their family unit. Masculine energy is strong, confident and protective.

Women have been gifted with the inner strength to endure pain and suffering in order to care for their family along with the gentle spirit required to nurture and care for her children and husband. Feminine energy is nurturing, resilient and caring. If you have any doubt about the difference in inner strength, observe how men and women act when they're sick. Women push through it as much as possible to keep their home in order and children cared for; men are usually on the couch with a “blankie” and a bowl of soup(me included).

In a healthy marriage, husband and wife are on equal levels, playing different, but equally important roles.

There is one more thing to cover before we get to the f*ckups; guys, if you learn nothing else from this article, remember this: The most fundamental need that your wife has is to feel SAFE in her marriage and with you as her husband. This desire for safety and security is so powerful that when it is unfulfilled, the entire fabric of the marriage begins to unravel.

Now that we covered that, on to the f*ckups.

F*ckup #1 - Ship Without a Captain

Just like a ship without a captain, a marriage without a leader drifts aimlessly on the tides, carried wherever the currents take it. As the husband, it's your job to be the leader of your family, the captain of your ship. Here's the deal; when the husband isn't stepping up and leading the family, the wife feels it. Her sense of security is threatened; after all, the ship needs a captain! She does the only thing she can, she tries to take over the ship, but because it's not her natural role, it doesn't work. You're guilty of this f*ckup if you've given the emotional control of your relationship to your wife. The question "who wears the pants in the family?" is really telling. The family needs a strong, confident leader; it should be you.

F*ckup #2 - Just Wait Till Your Mother Gets Home

When in doubt, there is a quick test to determine who the leader of the family is; “who disciplines the kids?” Guys, the mother's natural role is of nurturing and caring for her children. The quickest way to lose her respect and to surrender control of the marriage is to leave the discipline of your children to your wife. In a healthy marriage, both parents participate in correcting the children; however the bulk of the discipline, especially any physical discipline, should come from the father. In a healthy family, the kids have at least a small measure of fear of their father; they should know that if they make bad decisions, their father is going to hold them accountable. Take this function back from your wife and allow her to shift back into her natural role.

F*ckup #3 - Ah, Push It

In a healthy marriage, husband = leader. Because of this, the most important leadership behavior is also the most important husband behavior; that behavior is using "pull energy". There are two ways to try to get what you want in your marriage and in your life, "push energy" and "pull energy". Here's what "push energy" looks like in a marriage: the husband tells his wife what she should do, how she should act or react, he tells her all the things he's going to do in life, he tells her to clean the house, he tells her to get in better shape, he tells her how she is wrong, he creates an adversarial relationship, he plays take-away and removes her sense of security. Does any of that sound familiar?

Here's what "pull energy" looks like in a marriage: husband shows his wife how he wants her to act towards him by modeling that behavior to her, consistently, lovingly, confidently. Rather than telling her all the things he is GOING to do, he just does them and let's her see the results. He makes the effort to clean up the house, he shows his wife how important it is to him through his behavior, not his words. He doesn't tell her to get in shape; he pays attention to eating well and to working out so that she sees how important fitness is to him; not because of his words, but because of his behavior. He creates a positive, encouraging, complimenting, forgiving, apologizing, listening relationship through HIS behavior. He doesn't tell her to encourage him, to compliment him, to forgive him; he encourages her, compliments her, and forgives her. He realizes that her sense of security is the foundation of EVERYTHING, he protects that foundation, he holds it sacred.

You know you're guilty of this f*ckup if you find yourself frustrated, angry and hurt in your marriage. If you're always TELLING your wife all the things you're GOING to do someday. If you've let yourself get overweight, if you don't take care of yourself and don't pay attention to how you smell. If you always tell your wife how you feel when you're scared or insecure. If you find yourself saying things like; "why don't you appreciate everything I do for this family."

F*ckup #4 - Dogs, and Women Can Smell Weakness

Guys, your wife doesn't need to know about every ache, injury, fear, doubt or insecurity you have. Until I realized that I'm the leader in my marriage, I didn't understand that sharing all of my fears and weaknesses with my wife was only undermining my ability to lead. Just like men want their wives to be a lady in the parlor and a freak in the bedroom, women want a husband who's a warrior on the battlefield and a father in the home. Women want a strong, battle-hardened man, who will do ANYTHING in the world to keep her and her children safe. This feeds her sense of security.

You've all seen Braveheart and Gladiator; imagine how his men would have reacted if William Wallace had called them around the campfire the night before the big battle and said "Men, should we really meet the English on the field of battle tomorrow? We're outnumbered, under-armed, we're without cavalry; I doubt that we can be victorious; isn't anyone else scared of dying? Maybe we should just go back to our families and our farms and forget this whole thing."

How would his men have reacted if Maximus had told them to fight bravely and die like men, but had stayed in the rear of the battle, away from harm? When it was just him and 12 others on the floor of the Coliseum and those door opened, and those chariots rolled into the arena. When the battle was suppose to go against them, when they were suppose to put up a weak resistance then get killed for the pleasure of the mob. What if Maximus had expressed his fear, his doubt to the dozen men around him? What if he had looked to them for comfort; looked to them for encouragement. How would that battle have gone? Would those men have followed him to victory?

As the husband, YOU are William Wallace, YOU are Maximus. Your wife and children are looking to YOU to lead them; so inspire them, rally them, pick them up when they’re down, congratulate them on their successes, make sure they know that you’ll lead them to victory.

You know you're guilty of this f*ckup if you're constantly going to your wife for comfort, if you're always sharing your fears and insecurities with her, and if you're telling her about every discomfort and boo-boo that you have.

F*ckup #5 - Muffin Top and Man Boobs

Don't you wish your wife was still the hottie that you first fell in love with? Well, she feels the same way about you. We all want to be with a spouse who physically turns us on. Being physically fit does a couple of key things for you. First, it increases your confidence. If you've lost self-esteem, if your self confidence has dropped, getting back into shape is one of the most important things you can do to pump it back up. Second, your wife is going to be more attracted to you and is going to want to get in better shape herself. There is no better way to encourage your wife to get back in shape than making it a priority for yourself.

You're guilty of this f*ckup if you've given up on your appearance, if you don't get exercise, don't pay attention to how you eat, if you're eyebrows, ear hair or nose hair are way out of control, and if you're stinky.

Well, that's it guys. If you take this advice to heart and eliminate these five f*ckups, you'll see a HUGE shift in the energy between you and your wife. These f*ckups are responsible for millions of divorces, mid-life crises and kids growing up without their dads. Do your part to start rebuilding the institution of marriage, eliminate these f*ckups in your life. And because every man is guilty of at least one of these, pass this article on to all the guys you know.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Questions are the Answer

I got stung by bees a lot as a kid. No, not all at once; over a period of about 4 years. The thing was, I liked bees. Whenever I came across a bee at Oak Park, the park that I grew up a block away from in Santa Barbara, I would reach out my hand and let it crawl on me. The by-product of all this bee-love was over 30 stings.

Somewhere around the 30th sting, when I was 6 years old, my body decided to become allerigc. The camp counselor rushed me to the hospital and I was given a shot to pull me out of anaphylactic shock. I rode home from the hospital with my dad and something called an EpiPen. For those of you lucky enough to not need this torture implement, it's a hypodermic needle that shoots out of its casing to inject you with medicine to counter your allergic reaction.

When we pulled into our parking spot, my dad ran into the house to get something, then we were going on another errand. The last thing he said before he left me in the truck and walked towards our house; "Miah, don't touch the EpiPen". Do you care to guess what happened next?

The sound of my screaming brought my dad running back to the truck at top speed. I had accidentally injected my hand with the EpiPen.

That was the earliest in a long line of examples of me not learning from others, but needing to learn the lesson through my own experience.

Think about your own life; when have you learned your big lessons? Was it from a book you read, from the advice of a friend? Or was it from messing up really bad? If you're like most people, the most important lessons you've learned through failing. I wrote another article on Failure, check it here .

Another proof of this is your children. When does your son or daughter really remember something? When you tell them the answer or when they discover the answer? Most of the answers we get from other people is forgotten quickly, but the answers we learn ourselves stick. I've only accidentially injected myself with an Epi-pen once.

"Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime."

So, if you buy into this whole idea, what can you do with it?

Here's what I do with it; I've made a practice of not giving people answers. When someone comes to me with either a practical problem or a moral delimma, rather than tell them "you should", "you need to" or "well, I would", I ask them a questions. I listen to them carefully, then I start asking questions that will allow them to provide their own answer.

Sometimes, I already know the answer and my questions are soley for the purpose of allowing them to discover the truth on their own. Sometimes I don't know the answer and my questions help us both find our way there.

I've started working under the context of "Giving an answer robs the person of the truth." I've only been deliberate about this in the past few months and already I've seen big, positive changes in my relationships.

So, the next time someone comes to you with a problem, listen carefully, then ask.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Black Belt Leadership

Jujitsu, or any martial art, begins with the student learning the fundamental moves and positions upon which more complex techniques are built. As the student learns and practices those basic techniques, he becomes more proficient; his results improve. Eventually, the student masters the technique, adds it to their repertoire and begins the process all over again with more difficult, more effective moves.

Leadership is no different; the Forged Leader advances through the ranks of leadership by learning, practicing and mastering the techniques required to advance. Just as in Jujitsu, until the leader masters the fundamentals, the most advanced and effective skills will remain beyond his grasp.

Here are the skills required for Blackbelt Leadership, in order, from most basic, to most advanced.

Level 1: White Belt – Orange Belt

Positivity
Appreciating
Complimenting
Listening
Encouraging

Level 2: Green Belt – Purple Belt
Asking for help
Forgiving
Pulling
Apology

Level 3: Brown Belt – Black Belt
Allowing others to lead
Act the Opposite
Embrace Failure

Coming soon are a series of articles examining each skill, how to use it effectively and how it fits in to your leadership arsenal.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Push/Pull

I spent a lot time as a kid playing with magnets; my favorites were the round wafer shaped ones. I loved flipping one of the magnets over so that when I moved it close to another one, it would push it away; but if I flipped it over again, it would pull the other magnet to it and they would “click” together; it was magic!

People are like magnets. There are two ways to influence others and get what you want; either pushing, or pulling. Pushing, or using "push energy", is when you influence others by telling them what to do. Pulling, or using "pull energy" is when you influence others through your actions and behavior.

Another way to think about it is that using push energy is when you get somebody to do something that they don’t want to do; using pull energy is when you get somebody to do something that they do want to do. The secret of pull energy is that you can use it to change people’s minds about what they do and don’t want to do.

Imagine that you want your five year-old son to clean his room. How do you get the outcome that you want? Most parents would use push energy; they would demand that he clean his room or they would threaten with a consequence if he doesn’t clean his room. Both of these methods are “pushing”.

If you wanted to use pull energy to get the same outcome, you would create an environment in which he wanted to clean his room. You could do that by creating a game out of it; by cleaning his room, he earns points towards a reward. Better yet, you have been modeling the right behavior, cleaning your room, in a positive, fun way for as long as your son could remember. Cleaning his room goes from something that he doesn’t want to do, to something he does want to do.

Take a minute and think about how you interact with others and how you get what you want. Do you spend most of your time pushing or pulling? The most effective way to get others to behave the way you want them to is to model that behavior, consistently, and in a positive manner.

In your marriage or relationship, the best way to get the physical affection that you want is to pull it. How do you do this? By taking the time to look and act attractive to her; by spending time exercising and by eating well; by paying attention to your personal grooming and how you smell; by making her feel special and paying attention to her. You get what you want by acting in a way that attracts her to you. Simple right? It is simple, and it is ignored by many husbands and boyfriends.

In your job, the best way to get the outcomes that you want is to pull them. You can read six things you can do to become a leader and get what you want at work here.

With your friends, your kids, even your adversaries, using pull energy will get you what you want. There are however a couple of challenges that you must overcome in order to become a successful “puller”.

First, you must determine what it is that you want. Many of us aren’t this deliberate; most of us haven’t spent the time to figure out the exact outcomes we are looking for. Second, you must act in a way that attracts or pulls those outcomes to you. For example, if you want your wife or girlfriend to get in better shape and lose a few pounds, you would start exercising and eating better yourself. Focus on your own behavior; her behavior will follow.

Here is the one thing you can start doing today to put pull energy to work for you. This exercise is focused on improving your marriage/relationship, but can be applied to any situation. There are two steps to this exercise. For many people, this really tough; don’t get down on yourself if you lapse into old behavior; just acknowledge it and jump right back into the exercise.

Step 1: Write down the behaviors and attributes that make your wife/girlfriend most attractive to you. Also, write down what you hate or what really turns you off.

Step 2: Start behaving the way that would attract you and cut out all of the turn-off behaviors.

As an example, I love it when my wife comes home from work in a good mood. I am really attracted to my wife when she is smiling, laughing and having fun. It feels great when she really listens to me. It makes me feel special when she wants to spend time engaged with me and taking care of me.

So, with those behaviors identified as things that attract me to my wife, I start doing them. Regardless of how good or crappy my day was, I need to be in a good mood when I come home. I need to have fun with her, smile and laugh with her, I need to really listen to her when she is telling me about her day or sharing a story. I need to spend time with her, doing what she wants and I need to make her feel taken care of.

Because I am doing these things consistently, I start seeing these behaviors coming right back at me. Because I am acting in a way that attracts/pulls her to me, she starts acting in a way that pulls me to her; win/win!

Taking these two steps can change your marriage and your life for the better. You will struggle with this, AND, it is absolutely worth it. Get started today; let me know how it goes.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Leadership is Not a Title

Most people think that because they don't have "President" or "CEO" on their business card, they aren't a leader.

I was at work about a week ago and one of my co-workers, Lea, brought her timecard for me to sign. My office mate and I must have been talking about leadership, because as I handed back her timecard, Lea said, with a half-hearted smile "I remember when I was a leader." She was just trying to be funny, but as she said it, the weight of the statement hit her. She was referencing that at her previous company, she was much higher up the org. chart and had much more responsibility.


I didn't say anything in the moment, but her comment really effected me. I had been working with Lea for about a year and she brought so much to the team. She was smart, she took initiave, she was a good communicator. I always looked forward to hearing what she had to say about work; Lea had all the makings of a leader. In fact, she had been a leader, in action and in title, at her previous company. At this new job, she still retained all of the skills of a leader, she just didn't have the confidence; the problem was that she didn't see herself as a leader.


The next morning, I stopped by her desk to chat. We talked for a bit, then I reminded her that leadership wasn't a title; that any person in a company can be a leader. I told her that leaders self-identify by acting like leaders; I thought of her as a leader and she regularly inspired me to do better work and to work harder. She immediately got the point, in fact she had probably been on the other end of this conversation many times.

Leadership is not a title; leadership is behavior. Regardless of what title you have on your business card, or if you don't even have a business card, you can become a leader in your organization. Here are 6 things you can start doing today to become a leader at your work.

1. Do your job well - You've got to cover the basics before you will start to feel like, or be treated like a leader. Also, if you aren't doing well within your job role, you'll know it and that knowledge will prevent you from having the confidence you need to be a leader.


2. Take an interest in your co-workers - Spend 10-15 minutes each day getting to know the people you work with. First, identify the people who are leaders (remember, titles don't matter) and find out what their interests are, do they have kids, etc. It is a powerful thing to be in relationship with many people in various parts of your company.


3. Make new employees feel welcome - Most organizations don't do a very good job of making new people feel welcomed; that leaves a great gap for you to fill. When a new employee starts, go say "hi" on their first day and let them know if they need any help finding their way around, you'd love to help.

4. Be prepared for meetings - Meetings are your chance to "show off" your ideas and your hard work. Spend enough time prior to a meeting to make sure that you are ready to be an idea leader in that meeting.


5. Give compliments - Start by complimenting 3 people each day; eye contact and sincerity are key here. Find a real reason to compliment, i.e. "I really appreciate all the work you put in on this project", or "You've got some great ideas about how to meet the deadline" Chances are, there are people doing good, underappreciated work at your company; find them and let them know how valuable they are.

6. Ask for help/advice - Nothing is a greater compliment, or makes people feel more valued that when you go to them for help or advice. Most of us have at least half a dozen things that we are struggling with at work right now. Pick one or two and go ask someone for their advice.


6.1. *Advanced Leadership Tip* Ask advice from someone who you don't have a good relationship with. If you go to someone who you are really competitive with or who may be intimitated by you or see you as a rival and ask them for advice, you will start to see big, positive changes in your relationship.

Go out and implement "the six". Let me know how it goes.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Armor and Sword

Like the medeival knight, who dons a polished suit of armor, and arms himself with a two-handed sword before engaging in battle, leaders too must go out into the world armored and armed for combat.

The armor, worn by the knight, finds a parallel in the internal armor of the leader. Through acts of leadership, a leader develops a layer of confidence, of self-respect and of self-love that protects them from harm. It's this layer of armor that allows the leader to extend themselves outside of their comfort zone and to reach out to others in a very "authentic" way. This armor lets a leader risk looking foolish, or failing without taking any permenant damage.

The sword, wielded by the knight, is equivillant to the acts of leadership displayed by the leader. Just as the sword is an extension of the warrior, his actions are an extension of the leader. It is through the sword that a warrior inflicts their will on the world, it is through their behavior and actions that a leader inflicts his.


The relationship of the armor and the sword is an illustration of the Leadership Paradox. "Until a man is armored, he won't risk wielding his sword; but until he carries his sword into battle, he won't develop his armor."


The confidence, self-respect and self-love that a man needs to display true acts of leadership are only developed through acts of leadership. Here is the secret to breaking through the Leadership Paradox; act as if you were confident even though you aren't. Act as if you were brave, even though you don't feel brave. It is through these actions, when you feel the opposite, that you will start to build your armor.

Here is the Credo of the Forged Leader:

I will act confident in the face of doubt
I will act joyful in the face of sorrow
I will act brave in the face of fear
I will outwork adversity
I will own my life
In doing so, I become a leader

So, get out there and act the opposite; let me know how it goes.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Leadership: A New Definition

The Forging Leaders definition of leadership:

lead·er·ship - acting like your best self; especially when you don't feel like it.

Imagine yourself in a heated conversation with your wife, or girlfriend. She's doing the same thing she always does and you've reached your boiling point; your usual reaction to this would be to yell, walk out of the room, or punch a wall.

Now, imagine time stopping in the moment before you blow up. During this time-out, you have a chance to reflect on what is really important here, your relationship, your happiness, your life fulfillment, your peace of mind, etc., and to calm down and react to your wife appropriately. So, time starts flowing again; rather than yelling and walking out of the room, you soften your body language, replace the look of anger in your eyes with a look of adoration, and say, "You know what honey, you're right. I love you; I'm ashamed and dissapointed in myself when I get angry with you. You are the most important thing in my life. Please forgive my behavior."

How would she react to this? I mean, after she picks her jaw up off the floor.

I can tell you that while you won't get that momentary feeling of satisfaction from this that yelling, or punching a wall would provide, you will get a dramatic energy shift in your relationship with her.

Many of you reading this are thinking "Thats impossible; I could never react like that." or "But then my wife would think she was right, and she was so wrong." The truth is you CAN react like this; I know from experience. I also know that it is one of the hardest things in the world to do, until it becomes a habit.

At Forging Leaders, we are building leaders who "Act the Opposite". Go ahead and use this the next time you would normally have a negative reaction to something and see what happens. Let me know how it goes.

Take the Lead!

Jeremiah

The Leadership Paradox

As a grown man, the confidence, self love and self respect we need to be a leader is only gained through acts of leadership. "We need to act like a leader to become a leader, but we feel like we need to be a leader to act like a leader." This is the Leadership Paradox.

Most men never get their mind wrapped around this idea. As men, we're waiting for something in our life to "happen" so that we can start acting like the man we want to be.

Taking the risk and acting like a leader before you feel like it, is the only way to actually become a leader. In this way, leadership is like many other things we learn in life. After all, how do you learn to speak a language? You listen to others speak it, and you begin speaking the most basic words; counting to 10, colors, simple verbs, etc. With leadership, those "basic words" are simple actions that any of us can take this minute and start to change our lives. Here are three things you can start doing today(notice I didn't say "three easy things"):

1. Tell someone who looks up to you how much you appreciate them.

2. Forgive someone, face-to-face, who you are holding a grudge against. Apologize for holding the grudge.

3. Act the opposite - The next time you are in a situation where you would fall back into old patterns and have a negative reaction to someone or something, act the opposite. For an example see "Leadership: A New Definition"

These three actions may not sound very powerful; a few years ago even I would have scoffed at the idea that one of these things could change my life for the better. Now, I can tell you with absolute certainty, I have done them, they have helped to transform my life, they work.

Find an opportunity to use one of these actions and do it; I would love to hear how it goes.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

5 Things I Know to be True

1. There is only one way to become a leader; start acting like a leader.

2. Happiness comes from living in a way that aligns with my values.

3. Happiness comes from having close relationships with other people.

4. I am exactly where I am today because of the decisions I have made.

5. I can start being the man I want to be today; this second. There is nothing that I have to wait for, no event, no other person's choices, no amount of money that I need in order to start behaving like the man I want to be.