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Your relationships with other people are defined by the conversations you have with those people. This means that your best friend, the one who you can talk about anything with; your ambitions, your dreams, your marriage, the challenges you face in being a good father; he's your best friend precisely because you talk about stuff like that.
Conversely, the guy at the office who you just talk about sports or politics with, is exactly that; the guy who you chit chat with, but you would never go to for any real help or support.
Think about this for a moment. What are the deepest, most personal, most meaningful, most important conversations you have ever had? Who did you have them with? Unless you answered "therapist", you probably answered "best friend" or "wife".
Now think about ten people you know; what level of conversations do you have with each of them? Do you see the correlation between the things you discuss and the intimacy level of the relationship?
If you are like most men, you have very few "true" friends; friends who would drive to your house at 1:00am to help you bury the body. There isn't anything wrong with you, you're just not having the right conversations.
There is powerful magic in this.
Once you accept that your relationships ARE the conversations you have, you realize that you are able to have as many deep, true friendships as you want; all you have to do is have deeper, truer conversations.
The best place to start is at home. When was the last time you had a conversation with your wife in which you just listened and didn't offer her an answer? Take her on a walk, away from all the distractions of the home and ask her how she's doing; then shut-up and just listen.
The next time you're hanging out with one of your guy friends throw this one out there and see what happens "What is the most important thing we could be talking about right now?" I can't promise that a great conversation will follow, but it often does. Some of the answers I have gotten are: God, being a husband, being a father, being scared of letting someone down. When was the last time you had a sincere, thoughtful conversation with one of your guy friends about one of those topics?
Most guys around my age, 30-50, have very few true friends. I think it's because we're never taught the importance of conversation. Even if we know we should be having different conversations, we don't because it's scary as hell. What if you try to have a deep conversation but your buddy thinks its stupid, or just laughs at you?
It takes authentic self confidence, also called Armor, to put yourself out there and initiate conversations like this. When I first began having these conversations, I was scared because I wasn't sure how they would react. I can tell you that my life has gained so much richness and depth from the amazing friendships these conversations have led to. Get out there and have a REAL conversation.
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
Conversely, the guy at the office who you just talk about sports or politics with, is exactly that; the guy who you chit chat with, but you would never go to for any real help or support.
Think about this for a moment. What are the deepest, most personal, most meaningful, most important conversations you have ever had? Who did you have them with? Unless you answered "therapist", you probably answered "best friend" or "wife".
Now think about ten people you know; what level of conversations do you have with each of them? Do you see the correlation between the things you discuss and the intimacy level of the relationship?
If you are like most men, you have very few "true" friends; friends who would drive to your house at 1:00am to help you bury the body. There isn't anything wrong with you, you're just not having the right conversations.
There is powerful magic in this.
Once you accept that your relationships ARE the conversations you have, you realize that you are able to have as many deep, true friendships as you want; all you have to do is have deeper, truer conversations.
The best place to start is at home. When was the last time you had a conversation with your wife in which you just listened and didn't offer her an answer? Take her on a walk, away from all the distractions of the home and ask her how she's doing; then shut-up and just listen.
The next time you're hanging out with one of your guy friends throw this one out there and see what happens "What is the most important thing we could be talking about right now?" I can't promise that a great conversation will follow, but it often does. Some of the answers I have gotten are: God, being a husband, being a father, being scared of letting someone down. When was the last time you had a sincere, thoughtful conversation with one of your guy friends about one of those topics?
Most guys around my age, 30-50, have very few true friends. I think it's because we're never taught the importance of conversation. Even if we know we should be having different conversations, we don't because it's scary as hell. What if you try to have a deep conversation but your buddy thinks its stupid, or just laughs at you?
It takes authentic self confidence, also called Armor, to put yourself out there and initiate conversations like this. When I first began having these conversations, I was scared because I wasn't sure how they would react. I can tell you that my life has gained so much richness and depth from the amazing friendships these conversations have led to. Get out there and have a REAL conversation.
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
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