Why Keeping Score Matters

"Do you think it's important to keep score in youth soccer games?" That was the question posed to me in the elevator the other day by a friend of mine visiting from out of town. We had been talking about the importance of kids' involvement in sports teams or other social activities when he popped the question about keeping score.

Is it important to keep score or should everyone be a winner? Great question, with ramifications far beyond youth sports.

Keeping score is vitally important; not so much for the winners, but for the losers. Every important lesson I've learned in life has been the result of losing. Losing at sports, failing a test, failing in business, losing friendships; all these losses have taught me lessons of humility, integrity, duty, love, sacrifice, setting proper expectations, having uncomfortable conversations sooner rather than later, how to be a better friend, a better business partner, a better brother a better husband, and a better person. Heck, losing even taught me to be a gracious winner. I shudder when I consider the person I would be today without those failures.

So, back to the question. "Why is keeping score important?" If we don't keep score, we rob children of the most precious of experiences, the experience of failure. If you buy into the idea that humans learn through failing, you should view failure as something to be cherished, not avoided. If kids don't have the opportunity to fail and to learn that failure isn't the end of the world; that failure is actually the key to eventual success, then they turn into adults who are so afraid of failure that they don't actually live.

Braveheart said it best, "Every man dies, not every man truly lives." Most men don't truly live because they're scared of losing; they're scared of chasing their dreams and passions with everything they have, and of coming up short. It's much safer to just not try.

I'm not sure exactly who first put forward the idea that failure is bad for a child's self esteem, but they are exactly wrong. What's bad for a child's self esteem is to never be put in a position where failure was possible. What's bad for a child's self esteem is to be so coddled and insulated by their parents that they never gain the authentic self confidence that is earned by failing and trying again, and failing again, and trying again and finally succeeding.

Soon, your son or daughter is going to have an opportunity to fail; let them.


Take the lead,

Jeremiah

The 5 Things Men Do To F*ck Up Their Marriages

**Disclaimer 1** This article contains some poorly disguised profanity and is not for children.

**Disclaimer 2** Guys, as we know, every woman is as unique as a beautiful snowflake, so it's possible that something in this article misses the mark in your marriage...but I doubt it.

By the time we reach our mid 30s, most guys are so confounded by the opposite sex that we feel like women, our wives included, are an unsolvable mystery. Somewhere along the way, our strategy changed from love her/fulfill her/make her feel like a queen, to, do just enough so she doesn't make my life hell. The reason our strategy changed is that we've built the wrong habits and laid down the wrong behavior patterns between us and our wives.

Before we look at the ways men f*ck up their marriages, let's examine men's and women's natural roles.

Men have been gifted with physical strength and the aggression required to defend their loved ones, and to attack and kill those who threaten their family unit. Masculine energy is strong, confident and protective.

Women have been gifted with the inner strength to endure pain and suffering in order to care for their family along with the gentle spirit required to nurture and care for her children and husband. Feminine energy is nurturing, resilient and caring. If you have any doubt about the difference in inner strength, observe how men and women act when they're sick. Women push through it as much as possible to keep their home in order and children cared for; men are usually on the couch with a “blankie” and a bowl of soup(me included).

In a healthy marriage, husband and wife are on equal levels, playing different, but equally important roles.

There is one more thing to cover before we get to the f*ckups; guys, if you learn nothing else from this article, remember this: The most fundamental need that your wife has is to feel SAFE in her marriage and with you as her husband. This desire for safety and security is so powerful that when it is unfulfilled, the entire fabric of the marriage begins to unravel.

Now that we covered that, on to the f*ckups.

F*ckup #1 - Ship Without a Captain

Just like a ship without a captain, a marriage without a leader drifts aimlessly on the tides, carried wherever the currents take it. As the husband, it's your job to be the leader of your family, the captain of your ship. Here's the deal; when the husband isn't stepping up and leading the family, the wife feels it. Her sense of security is threatened; after all, the ship needs a captain! She does the only thing she can, she tries to take over the ship, but because it's not her natural role, it doesn't work. You're guilty of this f*ckup if you've given the emotional control of your relationship to your wife. The question "who wears the pants in the family?" is really telling. The family needs a strong, confident leader; it should be you.

F*ckup #2 - Just Wait Till Your Mother Gets Home

When in doubt, there is a quick test to determine who the leader of the family is; “who disciplines the kids?” Guys, the mother's natural role is of nurturing and caring for her children. The quickest way to lose her respect and to surrender control of the marriage is to leave the discipline of your children to your wife. In a healthy marriage, both parents participate in correcting the children; however the bulk of the discipline, especially any physical discipline, should come from the father. In a healthy family, the kids have at least a small measure of fear of their father; they should know that if they make bad decisions, their father is going to hold them accountable. Take this function back from your wife and allow her to shift back into her natural role.

F*ckup #3 - Ah, Push It

In a healthy marriage, husband = leader. Because of this, the most important leadership behavior is also the most important husband behavior; that behavior is using "pull energy". There are two ways to try to get what you want in your marriage and in your life, "push energy" and "pull energy". Here's what "push energy" looks like in a marriage: the husband tells his wife what she should do, how she should act or react, he tells her all the things he's going to do in life, he tells her to clean the house, he tells her to get in better shape, he tells her how she is wrong, he creates an adversarial relationship, he plays take-away and removes her sense of security. Does any of that sound familiar?

Here's what "pull energy" looks like in a marriage: husband shows his wife how he wants her to act towards him by modeling that behavior to her, consistently, lovingly, confidently. Rather than telling her all the things he is GOING to do, he just does them and let's her see the results. He makes the effort to clean up the house, he shows his wife how important it is to him through his behavior, not his words. He doesn't tell her to get in shape; he pays attention to eating well and to working out so that she sees how important fitness is to him; not because of his words, but because of his behavior. He creates a positive, encouraging, complimenting, forgiving, apologizing, listening relationship through HIS behavior. He doesn't tell her to encourage him, to compliment him, to forgive him; he encourages her, compliments her, and forgives her. He realizes that her sense of security is the foundation of EVERYTHING, he protects that foundation, he holds it sacred.

You know you're guilty of this f*ckup if you find yourself frustrated, angry and hurt in your marriage. If you're always TELLING your wife all the things you're GOING to do someday. If you've let yourself get overweight, if you don't take care of yourself and don't pay attention to how you smell. If you always tell your wife how you feel when you're scared or insecure. If you find yourself saying things like; "why don't you appreciate everything I do for this family."

F*ckup #4 - Dogs, and Women Can Smell Weakness

Guys, your wife doesn't need to know about every ache, injury, fear, doubt or insecurity you have. Until I realized that I'm the leader in my marriage, I didn't understand that sharing all of my fears and weaknesses with my wife was only undermining my ability to lead. Just like men want their wives to be a lady in the parlor and a freak in the bedroom, women want a husband who's a warrior on the battlefield and a father in the home. Women want a strong, battle-hardened man, who will do ANYTHING in the world to keep her and her children safe. This feeds her sense of security.

You've all seen Braveheart and Gladiator; imagine how his men would have reacted if William Wallace had called them around the campfire the night before the big battle and said "Men, should we really meet the English on the field of battle tomorrow? We're outnumbered, under-armed, we're without cavalry; I doubt that we can be victorious; isn't anyone else scared of dying? Maybe we should just go back to our families and our farms and forget this whole thing."

How would his men have reacted if Maximus had told them to fight bravely and die like men, but had stayed in the rear of the battle, away from harm? When it was just him and 12 others on the floor of the Coliseum and those door opened, and those chariots rolled into the arena. When the battle was suppose to go against them, when they were suppose to put up a weak resistance then get killed for the pleasure of the mob. What if Maximus had expressed his fear, his doubt to the dozen men around him? What if he had looked to them for comfort; looked to them for encouragement. How would that battle have gone? Would those men have followed him to victory?

As the husband, YOU are William Wallace, YOU are Maximus. Your wife and children are looking to YOU to lead them; so inspire them, rally them, pick them up when they’re down, congratulate them on their successes, make sure they know that you’ll lead them to victory.

You know you're guilty of this f*ckup if you're constantly going to your wife for comfort, if you're always sharing your fears and insecurities with her, and if you're telling her about every discomfort and boo-boo that you have.

F*ckup #5 - Muffin Top and Man Boobs

Don't you wish your wife was still the hottie that you first fell in love with? Well, she feels the same way about you. We all want to be with a spouse who physically turns us on. Being physically fit does a couple of key things for you. First, it increases your confidence. If you've lost self-esteem, if your self confidence has dropped, getting back into shape is one of the most important things you can do to pump it back up. Second, your wife is going to be more attracted to you and is going to want to get in better shape herself. There is no better way to encourage your wife to get back in shape than making it a priority for yourself.

You're guilty of this f*ckup if you've given up on your appearance, if you don't get exercise, don't pay attention to how you eat, if you're eyebrows, ear hair or nose hair are way out of control, and if you're stinky.

Well, that's it guys. If you take this advice to heart and eliminate these five f*ckups, you'll see a HUGE shift in the energy between you and your wife. These f*ckups are responsible for millions of divorces, mid-life crises and kids growing up without their dads. Do your part to start rebuilding the institution of marriage, eliminate these f*ckups in your life. And because every man is guilty of at least one of these, pass this article on to all the guys you know.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Building Your Army

Imagine what your life would look like if you had hundreds of advocates; hundreds of people who loved being around you, were excited to see you, spend time with you, would think of you first when a job opportunity, or anything else came up. Imagine an army of people out there saying good things about you behind your back. Imagine being that guy who people were talking about when they told others "There's this guy I've just GOT to introduce you to." What could you achieve in life with the deep support of so many others?

If you want this but think that it sounds about as likely as winning the lottery, I have good news for you; making deep connections with other people is a learnable skill like riding a bike, or learning to speak a foreign language.

How do we judge others? What is it about somebody that makes us like them, hate them, not notice them?

The answer is this; we judge others by how they make us feel. We like people who make us feel good, who attract us. Maybe it's physical attractiveness, or sense of humor, or a common interest, or common dislike. If being around them makes us feel good, we will go out of our way to be around them. This is such a strong pull that it works even if they make us feel good by appealing to our worst selves, such as feeding an insecurity.

Once you say it out loud, it's so obvious; we like people who make us feel good.

This is one of the more powerful realizations about the human condition; if you understand that people are attracted to those who make them feel good, you've got the secret to connecting with people, the secret to creating advocates.

So, how do you use this realization to start creating the life you dream about?

You start making people feel good when you are around. The most effective way to make people feel good is to take an interest in them. When you talk with them, be an active, genuinely interested listener. Ask questions, find out what they are interested in, BE interested in what they're interested in.

Think about it; how do most conversations between two people go? Each of them keeps bringing it back to themselves. "Oh cool, you went fishing over the weekend? Well, I caught a huge fish on my last trip to Mexico blah blah blah..." Each of them might as well be having a conversation alone. Neither one is really listening to the other; neither one really cares about what the other is saying. When the other is talking, they are just thinking about what they are going to say next; they may even interrupt to talk about THEIR experience. Does this sound familiar?

Is either of them getting any sort of true fulfillment out of talking with each other? No, each is doing their best to connect with the other by telling the other about themselves. It just doesn't work.

If one of the people in that conversation followed the Forging Leaders blog and implemented the behaviors discussed here, that fishing conversation would look like this. "Oh cool, you went fishing over the weekend? Did you catch anything? Really? That's awesome! Where were you at? What bait did you use? Have you been fishing for a long time? Oh, you grew up going fishing with your Dad? How old were you when you first went?" ***The next one is the home run question*** "What is your favorite memory of fishing with your father when you were young?" BAM!!!

You've just used a conversation about fishing to make a connection. You now know something about him that very few other people in the world know. Better yet, you just made him feel important because you showed genuine interest. Better yet, you just made him feel good by revisiting a favorite childhood memory that he probably hasn't thought about in years.

Yes, it's that simple. Start changing the way you talk with people. Here are a couple of Forging Leaders rules to using conversation to connect.

Rule #1: Ask at least 5 questions for every declarative statement you make.
Rule #2: Maintain eye contact at least 80% of the conversation.
Rule #3: Wait at least 2 seconds after they stop speaking to start saying something.

There are more than 3 rules, but those should get you started. Get out there TODAY and have a different kind of conversation with somebody. Get out there today and start building your army.

P.S. Try this with your wife.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

The 24 Hour Negativity Fast

This article lays out the 1st step in forging your Armor and expands on this article. If you haven't already read the article "Forging Your Armor", you may want to go back and do that first.

If you're like most men, you just sort of drift along life's current; you aren't really deliberate about how you live. Sure, maybe you pay attention to your diet, your workout schedule, your career, maybe you're even a pretty good husband and father. But how satisfied are you? Are you living a life of authentic fulfillment? Are you pursuing your passions, forging deep relationships, living a truly happy life?

Just like addition is a prerequisite for algebra, an authentic sense of self-confidence is a requirement for a truly happy life. This authentic self-confidence, which I refer to as Armor, is gained through some very specific behaviors. This article is about the most fundemental component of Armor; positivity.

Of the eight skills that build confidence, having a positive attitude is the foundation on which all other skills are built. Just like you can't grow crops in toxic soil, you can't grow leadership and happiness in a toxic soul. Positivity is also our foundation for another reason; it's the only skill of the eight that doesn't require confidence, it just builds it.

Because everything else good in life springs from a positive attitude, it deserves a deliberate effort; that's where the 24 hour negativity fast comes in. From the moment you wake up tomorrow morning until you wake up the following morning, radiate an aura of positivity. That means that you don't complain, whine or say anything negative or even neutral for the entire day. In addition, your body language is only positive; no eye-rolling, shrugging, scowling, sighing or frowning.

Your mind is going to take a little while to catch up to your actions; you are probably still going to have negative thoughts. The challenge is to catch them and kill them before you communicate them. Imagine that you have a big net; every time you have a negative thought, throw the net over it before the thought makes it out into the world in your speech or body language.

The more negative of a person you are, the more you need this and the more difficult it will be. In fact, there is a quote on the Forging Leaders "quotes" page that sums up this fundamental law "The more uncomfortable the experience, the more meaningful and important it is." Embrace this challenge!

Remember, this commitment is only for 24 hours, if you're happier as a negative person, you can always go back to your normal life the day after tomorrow.

I would love to hear how about your 24 hour fast; shoot me an email, or leave a comment on this article and let me know how it went.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Forging Your Armor

Every man can become the man he wishes he was; every man can become the hero in his life story. Most men fall short, not because they're weak, or bad, or stupid, or lazy; most men fall short, because they aren't deliberate, they don't have a map, and they won't stop and ask for directions.

Watch a man tackle a project that lies within his passion, like landscaping a back yard, building a deck, planning a fantasy football draft, or preparing for a hunting trip. What do you see? You see a man possessed with deliberation. He plans his project down to the smallest detail; he hatches contingency plans, back-up plans for his contingency plans. Then he executes; he pours his heart into the doing; he'll stay up late after his wife has gone to bed, he'll work through illness, through injury. Nothing can stop him from achieving his vision.

Now, watch a man work on his most important project, becoming the leader in his own life. How much time does he spend in deliberation, planning, making sure that he gives himself and his family the best chance at a satisfying and fulfilling life? How clear is he about his objectives? Does he know where to go for help when life knocks him down? Does he know how to forge deep relationships with his wife and children? Does he know how to foster true friendships with other men so that he has the support that only other men can provide?

Much of the work that I do with my coaching clients is around being deliberate in how they live their lives. One of the first ideas that I share with them is the concept of their Armor. Armor is authentic self-confidence. This Armor allows the wearer to take big risks with the knowledge that their Armor will protect him from harm. The Armored man can forgive someone who has betrayed him, he can offer genuine encouragement to a peer at work, he can initiate a deep, meaningful conversation with someone he doesn't know well. The Armored man can put themselves in vulnerable, scary situations and know that they will be OK.

In order to better illustrate what Armor is, I will describe the alternatives to Armor. Every single person on Earth has learned behaviors to keep themselves safe from harm.

The first alternative to Armor is "burrowing." Burrowers are people who just avoid risk and live entirely inside their comfort zone; after all, if they don't risk, they can't lose, right? Well, actually, if you don't risk, you lose in the worst way possible; you lose by living an ordinary life. Burrowers have dug in and withdrawn from life; they don't have any deep relationships (the biggest risk of all), they don't live in their passions. They just stay safe and sound in their burrow.

If you spend all of your time doing the same, comfortable activities, with the same, safe people; if you haven't tried new things, if you haven't failed lately, you may be a burrower.

The second alternative to Armor is "building walls". "Wallers" are people who seem to be full of confidence, who seem to tackle life head-on. They often come off as cocky, as supremely confident; but they don't let anybody close to them. Wallers have become experts at putting up walls to prevent others from really getting to know them. Most wallers do this because they're afraid of what others would think if they were just themselves. The waller may look like the Armored man from a distance, but the difference is in the details. The waller doesn't have deep friendships; he doesn't listen during a conversation, he's just waiting for his turn to talk. He takes the credit when he has a success and he assigns blame when he fails. The waller is selfish; he points out the negative in others and the positive in himself. The difference between the burrower and the waller is that the burrower doesn't fail (because he doesn't try); the waller fails, but he blames the failure on others.

If you hold grudges, if you don't offer sincere apologies when you wrong others; if you have dozens of "friends", but nobody who you can go to for support when you really need it, you may be a waller.

There are eight easily recognizable behaviors or traits that identify an Armored man:

1) He has an extremely positive attitude.

2) He's a great listener.

3) He's full of gratitude, and he shares this gratitude with others.

4) He regularly offers sincere compliments to others.

5) He regularly offers sincere encouragement to others.

6) He's quick to apologize sincerely when he hurts somebody.

7) He's quick to forgive when someone hurts him.

8) He asks for help.

Each behavior or trait on this list takes authentic self-confidence, or Armor. Each is difficult; either because it's scary or because it requires him to control his emotions and to act from his best self.

These eight traits are the road map that a man must have in order to become the leader in their life; the hero in their life story. The behaviors get more difficult and build upon themselves. Much like you must learn addition before you tackle calculus, you must start with 1) A Positive Attitude, before you can hope to be successful with 7) Forgiveness.

If you're a man who feels that there must be something more to life than chasing achievement, congratulations! You've had the realization that must occur before you can start on your path to leadership. I encourage you to start with number 1) Positive Attitude and work your way down the list.

If you would like me to help you on your journey, I would be honored. You can reach me at forgingleaders (at) gmail (dot) com or at 916.835.7186.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

The Conversation IS the Relationship

Your relationships with other people are defined by the conversations you have with those people. This means that your best friend, the one who you can talk about anything with; your ambitions, your dreams, your marriage, the challenges you face in being a good father; he's your best friend precisely because you talk about stuff like that.

Conversely, the guy at the office who you just talk about sports or politics with, is exactly that; the guy who you chit chat with, but you would never go to for any real help or support.

Think about this for a moment. What are the deepest, most personal, most meaningful, most important conversations you have ever had? Who did you have them with? Unless you answered "therapist", you probably answered "best friend" or "wife".

Now think about ten people you know; what level of conversations do you have with each of them? Do you see the correlation between the things you discuss and the intimacy level of the relationship?

If you are like most men, you have very few "true" friends; friends who would drive to your house at 1:00am to help you bury the body. There isn't anything wrong with you, you're just not having the right conversations.

There is powerful magic in this.

Once you accept that your relationships ARE the conversations you have, you realize that you are able to have as many deep, true friendships as you want; all you have to do is have deeper, truer conversations.

The best place to start is at home. When was the last time you had a conversation with your wife in which you just listened and didn't offer her an answer? Take her on a walk, away from all the distractions of the home and ask her how she's doing; then shut-up and just listen.

The next time you're hanging out with one of your guy friends throw this one out there and see what happens "What is the most important thing we could be talking about right now?" I can't promise that a great conversation will follow, but it often does. Some of the answers I have gotten are: God, being a husband, being a father, being scared of letting someone down. When was the last time you had a sincere, thoughtful conversation with one of your guy friends about one of those topics?

Most guys around my age, 30-50, have very few true friends. I think it's because we're never taught the importance of conversation. Even if we know we should be having different conversations, we don't because it's scary as hell. What if you try to have a deep conversation but your buddy thinks its stupid, or just laughs at you?

It takes authentic self confidence, also called Armor, to put yourself out there and initiate conversations like this. When I first began having these conversations, I was scared because I wasn't sure how they would react. I can tell you that my life has gained so much richness and depth from the amazing friendships these conversations have led to. Get out there and have a REAL conversation.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Questions are the Answer

I got stung by bees a lot as a kid. No, not all at once; over a period of about 4 years. The thing was, I liked bees. Whenever I came across a bee at Oak Park, the park that I grew up a block away from in Santa Barbara, I would reach out my hand and let it crawl on me. The by-product of all this bee-love was over 30 stings.

Somewhere around the 30th sting, when I was 6 years old, my body decided to become allerigc. The camp counselor rushed me to the hospital and I was given a shot to pull me out of anaphylactic shock. I rode home from the hospital with my dad and something called an EpiPen. For those of you lucky enough to not need this torture implement, it's a hypodermic needle that shoots out of its casing to inject you with medicine to counter your allergic reaction.

When we pulled into our parking spot, my dad ran into the house to get something, then we were going on another errand. The last thing he said before he left me in the truck and walked towards our house; "Miah, don't touch the EpiPen". Do you care to guess what happened next?

The sound of my screaming brought my dad running back to the truck at top speed. I had accidentally injected my hand with the EpiPen.

That was the earliest in a long line of examples of me not learning from others, but needing to learn the lesson through my own experience.

Think about your own life; when have you learned your big lessons? Was it from a book you read, from the advice of a friend? Or was it from messing up really bad? If you're like most people, the most important lessons you've learned through failing. I wrote another article on Failure, check it here .

Another proof of this is your children. When does your son or daughter really remember something? When you tell them the answer or when they discover the answer? Most of the answers we get from other people is forgotten quickly, but the answers we learn ourselves stick. I've only accidentially injected myself with an Epi-pen once.

"Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime."

So, if you buy into this whole idea, what can you do with it?

Here's what I do with it; I've made a practice of not giving people answers. When someone comes to me with either a practical problem or a moral delimma, rather than tell them "you should", "you need to" or "well, I would", I ask them a questions. I listen to them carefully, then I start asking questions that will allow them to provide their own answer.

Sometimes, I already know the answer and my questions are soley for the purpose of allowing them to discover the truth on their own. Sometimes I don't know the answer and my questions help us both find our way there.

I've started working under the context of "Giving an answer robs the person of the truth." I've only been deliberate about this in the past few months and already I've seen big, positive changes in my relationships.

So, the next time someone comes to you with a problem, listen carefully, then ask.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah