Hunting, Building a Deck, Supermodels and Other Guy Stuff

This article is all about football, hunting, building a deck and poker; oh yeah, and hot chicks.

If I had to choose which of those activities I love best, it would be really difficult; I'm sure you know what I mean guys. What's better, the feeling of your team scoring a last second field goal to win the game, or shooting a 10 point buck, finishing that home improvement project and cracking a beer to admire your handiwork, or pulling out a full house on the river to win a huge pot?

OK, the women should all have stopped reading by now. Sorry for the subterfuge guys, but this article is for men's eyes only! I had to throw all the ladies off the scent.

When was the last time you really connected with your wife? I'm not talking a about a physical connection, although that's important too; I'm talking about connecting with her through conversation. When was the last time you and your wife had a talk like you did when you first met? Remember those? Three, four, six-hour conversations; talking through the night; $200 phone bills; feeling like a world champion every time you made her laugh; feeling like a warrior when she cried on your shoulder.

Guys, those talks were the reason she fell in love with you; those talks are the reason she's your wife. These days, when she attempts to initiate one of those talks, you don't even look up from the football game, you're distracted. These days, when she trys to go back and recreate some of why she first fell in love, you roll your eyes, you do your best to shut her down. She gets sad, or gets pissed off and walks away. Your marriage is like any other relationship; the conversation IS the relationship. What does that say for your relationship with your wife?

Once you've been married any length of time, talks like this don't spring up like they used to. Maybe you both feel like you already know everything about each other, that there's nothing else to learn. Maybe you're both so exhausted by the day-to-day living of your lives that you just don't have the energy to really focus on each other and truly engage.

The bottom line is that if you don't feel truly connected with your wife, chances are, she is losing that feeling of security that is so important to her in the marriage. Chances are most of the problems, disagreements and hurt feelings in your marriage are a result of that loss of connection. As the leader of your family, it's your duty to get things back on track. Here's how you're going to do that.

The purpose of this exercise is to make your wife feel valued, loved and connected with you. The way you are going to achieve this is by getting her talking and keep her talking. This is going to be unlike most of the conversations you have with her, because during this conversation, you aren't going to give her advice, tell her how to solve her problems or turn the conversation back onto yourself. You are going to be an engaged, active listener; you are going to maintain eye contact, keep an interested look on your face and ask follow-up questions. It is important to plan this conversation for a time when neither of you are distracted for at least two hours.

Here are some more ground rules: you lose if you give her a solution, you should be asking at least 5 questions for every statement you make, when in doubt about what to say, ask her "how do you feel about that?”, the more bored or distracted you feel, the more interested you should look. The powerful thing about acting the opposite of how you feel is that eventually, how you feel starts aligning with how you’re acting.

This exercise uses the principles examined in the following Forging Leaders articles; read them before you attempt this conversation to give yourself the best chance of success. Eyes Up, Building Your Army, The 5 Things Men do to F*uck Up Their Marriages, The Conversation IS the Relationship.

I would love to hear how this goes for you.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah