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This article is all about football, hunting, building a deck and poker; oh yeah, and hot chicks.
If I had to choose which of those activities I love best, it would be really difficult; I'm sure you know what I mean guys. What's better, the feeling of your team scoring a last second field goal to win the game, or shooting a 10 point buck, finishing that home improvement project and cracking a beer to admire your handiwork, or pulling out a full house on the river to win a huge pot?
OK, the women should all have stopped reading by now. Sorry for the subterfuge guys, but this article is for men's eyes only! I had to throw all the ladies off the scent.
When was the last time you really connected with your wife? I'm not talking a about a physical connection, although that's important too; I'm talking about connecting with her through conversation. When was the last time you and your wife had a talk like you did when you first met? Remember those? Three, four, six-hour conversations; talking through the night; $200 phone bills; feeling like a world champion every time you made her laugh; feeling like a warrior when she cried on your shoulder.
Guys, those talks were the reason she fell in love with you; those talks are the reason she's your wife. These days, when she attempts to initiate one of those talks, you don't even look up from the football game, you're distracted. These days, when she trys to go back and recreate some of why she first fell in love, you roll your eyes, you do your best to shut her down. She gets sad, or gets pissed off and walks away. Your marriage is like any other relationship; the conversation IS the relationship. What does that say for your relationship with your wife?
Once you've been married any length of time, talks like this don't spring up like they used to. Maybe you both feel like you already know everything about each other, that there's nothing else to learn. Maybe you're both so exhausted by the day-to-day living of your lives that you just don't have the energy to really focus on each other and truly engage.
The bottom line is that if you don't feel truly connected with your wife, chances are, she is losing that feeling of security that is so important to her in the marriage. Chances are most of the problems, disagreements and hurt feelings in your marriage are a result of that loss of connection. As the leader of your family, it's your duty to get things back on track. Here's how you're going to do that.
The purpose of this exercise is to make your wife feel valued, loved and connected with you. The way you are going to achieve this is by getting her talking and keep her talking. This is going to be unlike most of the conversations you have with her, because during this conversation, you aren't going to give her advice, tell her how to solve her problems or turn the conversation back onto yourself. You are going to be an engaged, active listener; you are going to maintain eye contact, keep an interested look on your face and ask follow-up questions. It is important to plan this conversation for a time when neither of you are distracted for at least two hours.
Here are some more ground rules: you lose if you give her a solution, you should be asking at least 5 questions for every statement you make, when in doubt about what to say, ask her "how do you feel about that?”, the more bored or distracted you feel, the more interested you should look. The powerful thing about acting the opposite of how you feel is that eventually, how you feel starts aligning with how you’re acting.
This exercise uses the principles examined in the following Forging Leaders articles; read them before you attempt this conversation to give yourself the best chance of success. Eyes Up, Building Your Army, The 5 Things Men do to F*uck Up Their Marriages, The Conversation IS the Relationship.
I would love to hear how this goes for you.
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
Hunting, Building a Deck, Supermodels and Other Guy Stuff
Eyes Up
How do you give yourself the best chance of success in any interaction whether it is a conversation with your wife, a sales presentation, an escalation with an irate customer, a job interview, a guys weekend retreat, a trip to the park with your kids, a lunch meeting with your boss; anything?
Have you ever been so deep in the actual "doing" of a job, or project, or relationship, that when you finally take a mental step back and evaluate HOW you're doing, you realize that you aren't headed in the right direction? That somehow in the day-to-day living of your life, you've completely lost track of what’s important to you and where you're going?
"Eyes Up" is the term I use to describe the act of checking in with yourself to make sure you're clear about your objectives and that you're on track. Conversely, "Eyes Down" is when you have your head down and are focused on the actual work at hand. In life, it's when we've been Eyes Down for extended periods of time that we get so far from where we meant to go. The way this manifests itself in your life is that you feel like you're stuck in a rut, like you're just spinning your wheels; working so hard, but making no headway.
Here are the three steps to take before any important interaction to give yourself the best chance of success:
Step 1. Ask yourself "What are my objectives in this conversation?" The mere act of clearly identifying what you want before initiating a conversation will cause things to go your way more often. Think about the last time you played pool. What worked better, identifying which ball you wanted to sink and carefully lining up your shot or just hitting the cue ball as hard as you could and see if you got lucky? Don't live your life counting on sinking slop shots.
Something most people miss about this step is that they only identify their single specific objective; e.g. if they go next door to borrow sugar from the neighbor, they would only identify "get sugar" as their objective. Sure, leaving with sugar is the purpose of your visit, but the objectives of "make my neighbor feel valued" and "strengthen my relationship with my neighbor" should be additional goals.
In most every interaction, you will have "commercial" and "cultural" objectives; the commercial objective being the measurable action that you want to come out of the talk, the cultural objective having to do with the relationship between you and them. In the short term, the commercial outcome may seem more critical, in the long term the cultural outcome is always more important. Because of this, I am often willing to lose the battle in order to win the war.
Now that you have clearly identified all of your objectives, let's move to step 2.
Step 2. This step is where we create the right energy, i.e., state of mind, in ourselves so that it is possible to achieve our outcomes. Think about it; if I go into a difficult, uncomfortable conversation with the wrong energy, the chances of getting what I want is very low. I've found that for most conversations the right energy is “Love, Gratitude, Curiosity”
Imagine the kind of conversations you'd have if the other person knew that you cared about THEM more than any commercial outcome, that you were appreciative and thankful for them, and that you were really interested in them. I deliberately use Love, Gratitude, Curiosity(LGC), in any potentially volatile or uncomfortable conversation, e.g., firing somebody, giving constructive criticism, meeting somebody for the first time and asking for business, delivering bad news.
So, you're objectives are clear and your energy is flowing, on to step 3.
Step 3. Identify how you should behave in order to have the best chance of achieving your objectives. Being very clear on the questions you can ask to manage the conversation and the behavior you should model is critical to getting what you want.
Here is a real life example; one of my coaching clients was struggling to build rapport with their top sales rep. Despite having worked with her for over a year, they never connected. This started causing problems when this veteran sales rep started showing her disrespect by making snide comments during team meetings. The situation had the potential to spiral out of control as the sales rep's negative attitude was starting to spread to the other members of the team.
When we met to build a blueprint for how he wanted this conversation to go, my client was very clear on his objective; to get the respect that he felt he deserved as the manager. However, his idea of how to approach this conversation was wrong. He thought he would just tell her that her behavior was unacceptable and then ask her why she acted that way. "I want to know why she's being insubordinate." he said.
What was unclear to him at first was that in order for him to earn her respect and trust, he was going to have to give her his respect and trust first. It’s almost always that case that in order to get something, we must first give it. I call this "Pull Energy". So, once he realized this, he was able to develop a genuine attitude of LGC(Love, Gratitude, Curiosity) and approach her in a way that demonstrated sincere trust. Within two weeks, their relationship went from frustrating and insubordinate to aligned and collaborative.
Here is an exercise I give some of my clients; I encourage you to do it and let me know what you think. For one day, before you initiate ANY interaction or conversation, implement step 1 of the Eyes Up process. That's right, before any call you make, any meeting you attend, any interaction with your wife, your kids, your friends, before ANY interaction, close your eyes for 60 seconds and clearly identify all of the commercial and cultural objectives that you have for that conversation. Then, once the conversation is over or the meeting has ended, check back in with yourself and see if you achieved them.
We're going to use this method in next week's article, "Wife Homework", so get some practice in this week.
Take the lead,
Life is a Team Sport
Think about it; how did you meet your wife? How did you get your current job? How about your previous job? If you're like most people, you met the girl; you got the job, or at least the interview, because you knew somebody. Most things in life are like that; after all "It's who you know, not what you know that matters."
It was the summer of 2005; I had been out of fighting for five years. My last professional mixed martial arts fight was in April of 2000. I was now living in Sacramento, CA with, Andrea, my wife of four years. I worked in the mortgage business, I owned my own home; I was all grown up. So, when one of my good friends said "Jerry, you should try out for The Ultimate Fighter.", a new mixed martial arts reality TV show, my first reaction was to laugh. The reason that I didn't completely reject the idea was that the good friend was Chuck Liddell, soon to be UFC light heavyweight champion of the world. Chuck and I had trained and fought together in San Luis Obispo back in the 20th century. Chuck thought that I had a good shot at winning the show and the $100,000 UFC contract.
I spent the next five months in the gym. Most days, I worked out at least three hours, some days as much as five hours. It took me five months, but I got back in fighting shape. Per the instructions on www.ufc.com, I made an interview tape, and because I didn't have any of my fights recorded, I made a training tape. I sent all that in to the production company that makes The Ultimate Fighter show for Spike TV. The response was underwhelming. I heard nothing...crickets.
It was late November; the selection deadline had just passed. The lucky 50 guys who were selected to travel to Las Vegas for a five-day interview process had already received their calls. Did 31 year old Jeremiah, who had been out of the fight game for five years hear back from Spike TV? No.
Chuck called me later that day, "How's it going Jerry, you hear back yet?" I told him I hadn't. He said he had to go, and we hung up. Fifteen minutes later, my phone rang; it was the production company for The Ultimate Fighter; I was headed to Vegas! It turns out that Chuck had called London to speak with Dana White, the President of the UFC, who called the head of The Ultimate Fighter, who called the production company, who called me.
So, I made it to Vegas, but washed out during the interview round. I know; pretty anticlimactic.
The point of the story is that because of a friendship, I got to have an experience that few others ever get to; I got flown to Las Vegas and put up in a hotel for five days of interviews for a TV show. Again, "It's who you know…”.
People will often use that as an excuse to explain why they didn't get the job, or the promotion, or the scholarship. They’ll explain away their failures as the result of somebody else having the relationship. Rather than use it as an excuse, it can become your mantra. You can use it to be deliberate about building new friendships, and strengthening your existing ones.
Jeffrey Gitomer, one of the preeminent sales gurus, says "The person who will make the biggest impact on your business in the next two years is somebody you don't know today."
The message is clear. If you want to achieve your dreams and live the life you were meant to live, you're going to need help; lots of help. Life is a team sport.
The problem for most guys is that we stop making close friends in 8th grade; ok, maybe college if we're lucky. Once we get married and get a "real job", most men stop seeking out friendship. I have actually heard someone say "I have all the friends I need." Bulls#&*. Nothing fulfills and connects us like close relationships with other people. The truth is that most guys are scared to open up enough to other men in order to create these true friendships. There is a fear that if we reach out to connect on any sort of deep level with another guy, we'll be mocked; rejected. It's this fear of rejection that keeps most men isolated.
Men, I have news for you; every other guy has the same fear. Take the lead, reach out to somebody you like, start having deeper conversations, expose yourself (figuratively), take the risk and make the connection.
Life is a team sport. Who's in your starting line-up?
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
Money & Happiness
Oversight corrected.
Happiness is a funny thing. You ask anyone what they want most in life; happiness is at least part of their answer, but most people have a hard time defining exactly what it looks like. If you're a regular Forging Leaders reader, you know that I believe happiness is made up of two components; living in alignment with your core values and deep relationships with other people.
So, what's the relationship between money and happiness?
Here's the deal. You CAN have both. However, when money is our focus, our relationships suffer. I know that in my life, I was the most unhappy when I had the most money. My thoughts were consumed with how to earn it and how to spend it; I didn't spend any time focused on what was truly important, my wife, my family, my friends. The more time I spent focused on money, the more I came to believe that I was what I earned.
When we don't have a lot of money, we spend more quality time with our friends and family. We realize that we can live with less and that our stuff is just stuff.
Now, don't get me wrong, I haven't turned in my capitalist membership card, I'm not suggesting that you give away all your possessions and move to a yurt in Mongolia. I firmly believe that wealth and happiness are both achievable.
Why Keeping Score Matters
"Do you think it's important to keep score in youth soccer games?" That was the question posed to me in the elevator the other day by a friend of mine visiting from out of town. We had been talking about the importance of kids' involvement in sports teams or other social activities when he popped the question about keeping score.
Is it important to keep score or should everyone be a winner? Great question, with ramifications far beyond youth sports.
Keeping score is vitally important; not so much for the winners, but for the losers. Every important lesson I've learned in life has been the result of losing. Losing at sports, failing a test, failing in business, losing friendships; all these losses have taught me lessons of humility, integrity, duty, love, sacrifice, setting proper expectations, having uncomfortable conversations sooner rather than later, how to be a better friend, a better business partner, a better brother a better husband, and a better person. Heck, losing even taught me to be a gracious winner. I shudder when I consider the person I would be today without those failures.
So, back to the question. "Why is keeping score important?" If we don't keep score, we rob children of the most precious of experiences, the experience of failure. If you buy into the idea that humans learn through failing, you should view failure as something to be cherished, not avoided. If kids don't have the opportunity to fail and to learn that failure isn't the end of the world; that failure is actually the key to eventual success, then they turn into adults who are so afraid of failure that they don't actually live.
Braveheart said it best, "Every man dies, not every man truly lives." Most men don't truly live because they're scared of losing; they're scared of chasing their dreams and passions with everything they have, and of coming up short. It's much safer to just not try.
I'm not sure exactly who first put forward the idea that failure is bad for a child's self esteem, but they are exactly wrong. What's bad for a child's self esteem is to never be put in a position where failure was possible. What's bad for a child's self esteem is to be so coddled and insulated by their parents that they never gain the authentic self confidence that is earned by failing and trying again, and failing again, and trying again and finally succeeding.
Soon, your son or daughter is going to have an opportunity to fail; let them.
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
The 5 Things Men Do To F*ck Up Their Marriages
**Disclaimer 1** This article contains some poorly disguised profanity and is not for children.
**Disclaimer 2** Guys, as we know, every woman is as unique as a beautiful snowflake, so it's possible that something in this article misses the mark in your marriage...but I doubt it.
By the time we reach our mid 30s, most guys are so confounded by the opposite sex that we feel like women, our wives included, are an unsolvable mystery. Somewhere along the way, our strategy changed from love her/fulfill her/make her feel like a queen, to, do just enough so she doesn't make my life hell. The reason our strategy changed is that we've built the wrong habits and laid down the wrong behavior patterns between us and our wives.
Before we look at the ways men f*ck up their marriages, let's examine men's and women's natural roles.
Men have been gifted with physical strength and the aggression required to defend their loved ones, and to attack and kill those who threaten their family unit. Masculine energy is strong, confident and protective.
Women have been gifted with the inner strength to endure pain and suffering in order to care for their family along with the gentle spirit required to nurture and care for her children and husband. Feminine energy is nurturing, resilient and caring. If you have any doubt about the difference in inner strength, observe how men and women act when they're sick. Women push through it as much as possible to keep their home in order and children cared for; men are usually on the couch with a “blankie” and a bowl of soup(me included).
In a healthy marriage, husband and wife are on equal levels, playing different, but equally important roles.
There is one more thing to cover before we get to the f*ckups; guys, if you learn nothing else from this article, remember this: The most fundamental need that your wife has is to feel SAFE in her marriage and with you as her husband. This desire for safety and security is so powerful that when it is unfulfilled, the entire fabric of the marriage begins to unravel.
Now that we covered that, on to the f*ckups.
F*ckup #1 - Ship Without a Captain
Just like a ship without a captain, a marriage without a leader drifts aimlessly on the tides, carried wherever the currents take it. As the husband, it's your job to be the leader of your family, the captain of your ship. Here's the deal; when the husband isn't stepping up and leading the family, the wife feels it. Her sense of security is threatened; after all, the ship needs a captain! She does the only thing she can, she tries to take over the ship, but because it's not her natural role, it doesn't work. You're guilty of this f*ckup if you've given the emotional control of your relationship to your wife. The question "who wears the pants in the family?" is really telling. The family needs a strong, confident leader; it should be you.
F*ckup #2 - Just Wait Till Your Mother Gets Home
When in doubt, there is a quick test to determine who the leader of the family is; “who disciplines the kids?” Guys, the mother's natural role is of nurturing and caring for her children. The quickest way to lose her respect and to surrender control of the marriage is to leave the discipline of your children to your wife. In a healthy marriage, both parents participate in correcting the children; however the bulk of the discipline, especially any physical discipline, should come from the father. In a healthy family, the kids have at least a small measure of fear of their father; they should know that if they make bad decisions, their father is going to hold them accountable. Take this function back from your wife and allow her to shift back into her natural role.
F*ckup #3 - Ah, Push It
In a healthy marriage, husband = leader. Because of this, the most important leadership behavior is also the most important husband behavior; that behavior is using "pull energy". There are two ways to try to get what you want in your marriage and in your life, "push energy" and "pull energy". Here's what "push energy" looks like in a marriage: the husband tells his wife what she should do, how she should act or react, he tells her all the things he's going to do in life, he tells her to clean the house, he tells her to get in better shape, he tells her how she is wrong, he creates an adversarial relationship, he plays take-away and removes her sense of security. Does any of that sound familiar?
Here's what "pull energy" looks like in a marriage: husband shows his wife how he wants her to act towards him by modeling that behavior to her, consistently, lovingly, confidently. Rather than telling her all the things he is GOING to do, he just does them and let's her see the results. He makes the effort to clean up the house, he shows his wife how important it is to him through his behavior, not his words. He doesn't tell her to get in shape; he pays attention to eating well and to working out so that she sees how important fitness is to him; not because of his words, but because of his behavior. He creates a positive, encouraging, complimenting, forgiving, apologizing, listening relationship through HIS behavior. He doesn't tell her to encourage him, to compliment him, to forgive him; he encourages her, compliments her, and forgives her. He realizes that her sense of security is the foundation of EVERYTHING, he protects that foundation, he holds it sacred.
You know you're guilty of this f*ckup if you find yourself frustrated, angry and hurt in your marriage. If you're always TELLING your wife all the things you're GOING to do someday. If you've let yourself get overweight, if you don't take care of yourself and don't pay attention to how you smell. If you always tell your wife how you feel when you're scared or insecure. If you find yourself saying things like; "why don't you appreciate everything I do for this family."
F*ckup #4 - Dogs, and Women Can Smell Weakness
Guys, your wife doesn't need to know about every ache, injury, fear, doubt or insecurity you have. Until I realized that I'm the leader in my marriage, I didn't understand that sharing all of my fears and weaknesses with my wife was only undermining my ability to lead. Just like men want their wives to be a lady in the parlor and a freak in the bedroom, women want a husband who's a warrior on the battlefield and a father in the home. Women want a strong, battle-hardened man, who will do ANYTHING in the world to keep her and her children safe. This feeds her sense of security.
You've all seen Braveheart and Gladiator; imagine how his men would have reacted if William Wallace had called them around the campfire the night before the big battle and said "Men, should we really meet the English on the field of battle tomorrow? We're outnumbered, under-armed, we're without cavalry; I doubt that we can be victorious; isn't anyone else scared of dying? Maybe we should just go back to our families and our farms and forget this whole thing."
How would his men have reacted if Maximus had told them to fight bravely and die like men, but had stayed in the rear of the battle, away from harm? When it was just him and 12 others on the floor of the Coliseum and those door opened, and those chariots rolled into the arena. When the battle was suppose to go against them, when they were suppose to put up a weak resistance then get killed for the pleasure of the mob. What if Maximus had expressed his fear, his doubt to the dozen men around him? What if he had looked to them for comfort; looked to them for encouragement. How would that battle have gone? Would those men have followed him to victory?
As the husband, YOU are William Wallace, YOU are Maximus. Your wife and children are looking to YOU to lead them; so inspire them, rally them, pick them up when they’re down, congratulate them on their successes, make sure they know that you’ll lead them to victory.
You know you're guilty of this f*ckup if you're constantly going to your wife for comfort, if you're always sharing your fears and insecurities with her, and if you're telling her about every discomfort and boo-boo that you have.
F*ckup #5 - Muffin Top and Man Boobs
Don't you wish your wife was still the hottie that you first fell in love with? Well, she feels the same way about you. We all want to be with a spouse who physically turns us on. Being physically fit does a couple of key things for you. First, it increases your confidence. If you've lost self-esteem, if your self confidence has dropped, getting back into shape is one of the most important things you can do to pump it back up. Second, your wife is going to be more attracted to you and is going to want to get in better shape herself. There is no better way to encourage your wife to get back in shape than making it a priority for yourself.
You're guilty of this f*ckup if you've given up on your appearance, if you don't get exercise, don't pay attention to how you eat, if you're eyebrows, ear hair or nose hair are way out of control, and if you're stinky.
Well, that's it guys. If you take this advice to heart and eliminate these five f*ckups, you'll see a HUGE shift in the energy between you and your wife. These f*ckups are responsible for millions of divorces, mid-life crises and kids growing up without their dads. Do your part to start rebuilding the institution of marriage, eliminate these f*ckups in your life. And because every man is guilty of at least one of these, pass this article on to all the guys you know.
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
Building Your Army
Imagine what your life would look like if you had hundreds of advocates; hundreds of people who loved being around you, were excited to see you, spend time with you, would think of you first when a job opportunity, or anything else came up. Imagine an army of people out there saying good things about you behind your back. Imagine being that guy who people were talking about when they told others "There's this guy I've just GOT to introduce you to." What could you achieve in life with the deep support of so many others?
If you want this but think that it sounds about as likely as winning the lottery, I have good news for you; making deep connections with other people is a learnable skill like riding a bike, or learning to speak a foreign language.
How do we judge others? What is it about somebody that makes us like them, hate them, not notice them?
The answer is this; we judge others by how they make us feel. We like people who make us feel good, who attract us. Maybe it's physical attractiveness, or sense of humor, or a common interest, or common dislike. If being around them makes us feel good, we will go out of our way to be around them. This is such a strong pull that it works even if they make us feel good by appealing to our worst selves, such as feeding an insecurity.
Once you say it out loud, it's so obvious; we like people who make us feel good.
This is one of the more powerful realizations about the human condition; if you understand that people are attracted to those who make them feel good, you've got the secret to connecting with people, the secret to creating advocates.
So, how do you use this realization to start creating the life you dream about?
You start making people feel good when you are around. The most effective way to make people feel good is to take an interest in them. When you talk with them, be an active, genuinely interested listener. Ask questions, find out what they are interested in, BE interested in what they're interested in.
Think about it; how do most conversations between two people go? Each of them keeps bringing it back to themselves. "Oh cool, you went fishing over the weekend? Well, I caught a huge fish on my last trip to Mexico blah blah blah..." Each of them might as well be having a conversation alone. Neither one is really listening to the other; neither one really cares about what the other is saying. When the other is talking, they are just thinking about what they are going to say next; they may even interrupt to talk about THEIR experience. Does this sound familiar?
Is either of them getting any sort of true fulfillment out of talking with each other? No, each is doing their best to connect with the other by telling the other about themselves. It just doesn't work.
If one of the people in that conversation followed the Forging Leaders blog and implemented the behaviors discussed here, that fishing conversation would look like this. "Oh cool, you went fishing over the weekend? Did you catch anything? Really? That's awesome! Where were you at? What bait did you use? Have you been fishing for a long time? Oh, you grew up going fishing with your Dad? How old were you when you first went?" ***The next one is the home run question*** "What is your favorite memory of fishing with your father when you were young?" BAM!!!
You've just used a conversation about fishing to make a connection. You now know something about him that very few other people in the world know. Better yet, you just made him feel important because you showed genuine interest. Better yet, you just made him feel good by revisiting a favorite childhood memory that he probably hasn't thought about in years.
Yes, it's that simple. Start changing the way you talk with people. Here are a couple of Forging Leaders rules to using conversation to connect.
Rule #1: Ask at least 5 questions for every declarative statement you make.
Rule #2: Maintain eye contact at least 80% of the conversation.
Rule #3: Wait at least 2 seconds after they stop speaking to start saying something.
There are more than 3 rules, but those should get you started. Get out there TODAY and have a different kind of conversation with somebody. Get out there today and start building your army.
P.S. Try this with your wife.
Take the lead,
Jeremiah