How Do You Show Up?

We're judged every day by how we act. Often, we're not even conscious of how our behavior is perceived by others. Here's a handy reference guide to what we are really saying by our actions:

If you act arrogant, you're actually communicating that you're insecure; you don't believe in yourself. Truly confident people don't feel the need to by cocky.

If you act humble, you're communicating that you're confident. Humility means making yourself vulnerable, which is too scary for insecure people.

If you act defensive, you're communicating guilt. If you believe in yourself and the work you do, you'd invite questions and critique.

If you blame others for your failures, your communicating weakness. Only someone who thinks of themselves as a victim blames others.

If you take responsibility for your failures, you're communicating confidence and strength. It takes self-confidence to own up to failure.

Insecurity shows up as arrogance
Confidence shows up as humility
Strength shows up as vulnerability
Weakness shows up as bravado and blame

How do you show up?

Jeremiah

Leadership Fundamentals Part 3 - Tools

Hey Guys,

October was an awesome and crazy month. On the downside, I only wrote one blog article, on the way upside, I got to present "Eyes Up - how to get what you want through deliberate conversations", to almost 300 people in three cities. I've also been working on the new forgingleaders.com, it is just a landing page right now, but my brother Troy and I are looking to launch the new site at the beginning of 2011. It's gonna rock! Plus, I've been doing a ton of reading and coaching, so I have a lot to write about in November.

In this article, I'm going to describe the third pillar of leadership, making sure your team has the tools and/or resources they need to be successful. If you haven't read part 1 and part 2 yet, go do that first, then come back.

So, as a leader, you've communicated a clear vision to your team, you've made sure that they understand their role and what is expected of them; now, it's time to make sure that each team member has the tools they need to be successful. I use the term "tools" to mean the actual equipment they need to do their job, e.g. a sawsall, a ladder, a copy of MS Excel 2007, as well as the skills they need, e.g. sales training, systems training, or leadership training.

Lot's of times, as leaders we just assume that our people will come to us if they need something; we may even pride ourselves on our "hands-off leadership". The truth is that's just lazy leadership. It's our duty to check in with our team to make sure that they have what they need; in fact, they may not even know what they are missing.

If you're doing a good job of checking in with your people on a regular basis, you'll probably see where they could use some help. Even so, I uncover all sorts of training opportunities and resource gaps by asking the following questions every chance I get; "What can I do to support you?" and "What do you need to be successful this week?"

As with everything else I write about for Forging Leaders, this applies equally at home as it does in the office. When was the last time you checked in with your kids and your wife to see how you could support them?

Next time, I'll wrap up the Leadership Fundamentals series with the fourth pillar, Accountability.

Until then, keep your eyes up and take the lead,

Jeremiah

Leadership Fundamentals: Part 2 of 4 - Who Does What

Hey Guys,
Last time, I wrote about the first function of a leader; defining our vision and communicating it to our team. By the way, whenever I use the word "team" in these articles, I just mean the people who work together towards a common goal; it could be your family, the people at your work, the people at your church, or the people in any organization in which you are a leader.

Once people on our team "get" what our vision is, the next thing they are going to need to know is how they personally fit in to that vision. That brings us to our next function of a leader, setting roles and expectations. That's just a fancy way to say "making sure that each person on the team knows what their job is and what is expected of them".

"Why is this so important?" you ask.

Let me answer that with a question. Think of the last athletic team you played on, it doesn't matter what sport it was. What would have happened during a game if your teammates weren't clear on their role? How would that touchdown throw have worked out if your receiver had forgotten his route? How would that sweet double-play have worked out if the 1st baseman wasn't on the bag? In sports, the slightest variation from your role, from what is expected of you by your teammates can cost your team the game.

In life it's the same way. Think about the last argument you had with your wife; I'd bet you an In-N-Out Double-Double that it was caused by unclear expectations. What YOU thought was suppose to happen wasn't what SHE thought was suppose to happen.

These misunderstandings happen just as often at work; although the consequences are different. Rather than a night sleeping on the couch, people lose their jobs; or at the very least, damage their reputation. "I don't think Tim is the right person to handle the new account, he really let me down last time."

The lesson here is that each of us is responsible for making sure that we communicate clear, agreed-on expectations with every person who looks to us for leadership. "If you fail to set expectations, expect to fail"

So, ask yourself "Have I set expectations clearly?", "Am I setting someone up to fail because I haven't made sure that they have clear expectations?" Then, go talk with your team; ask them if they understand their role and what you and the rest of the team expect from them. If anyone is confused about their role, it's up to you to help them get clear.

If you have any questions about these conversations, or about setting expectations in general, reach out to me through the comment section or you can email me at forgingleades (at) gmail (dot) com

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Leadership Fundamentals: Part 1 of 4 - Vision Test

You know how when you get a new gadget, you start noticing all the other people who have the same gadget? Before I got an iPad I never saw them; now that I have one, they're everywhere; it's the same way with leadership. Now that I spend so much time writing and coaching in the area of leadership, the behavior of leaders jumps out at me wherever I go. I've noticed some inspiring examples of leaders who really get it, and almost every day I see examples of leaders totally wiffing, missing the point, forgetting their role.

Whether you're a leader in your family, your team, your company or your community, there are four vital functions that, as the leader, it's your job to fill. So often, leaders ignore, gloss over or delegate these functions, always to the detriment of those who follow them. This article is the first in a four-part series that will help you identify if you've got this leadership thing nailed, or whether you've got important work to do.

Develop a clear vision of where you're taking your family/team/company and communicate that vision with the rest of your team in a way that they can understand

Remember, as leader, YOU are the captain of the ship; does the rest of your crew know where the ship is headed, or do they think it's just drifting aimlessly on the currents? It may sound like a trivial thing, but when a wife understands that her husband has a plan and is leading their family towards a common goal, she will support him through anything; when she feels like the family is aimless, she gets scared, frustrated and loses confidence in him. The same goes for the workplace; the people whom you manage will throw themselves and their passion into their work if they know that you're leading them someplace they want to go. If you don't provide this vision, they lose interest, maximize their sick days and do as little work as possible. After all, if their work isn't important, why should they spend the energy it takes to do a great job?

Imagine that you work for an aimless company; the culture has eroded, the employees are cynical, people do barely enough to scrape by in their roles. Whoever creates a vision that people can get excited about and believe in, will start being looked to by their peers and by their "superiors" as a leader. Leadership isn't about position, it's about vision.

There's a great example in one of my favorite movies of all time. Why was William Wallace such a powerful leader in Braveheart? People followed him because he had a profound vision of a Scotland that was free of the English; his passion came through when he communicated that vision and he got his people to risk everything to follow him. The same holds true in real life; Nelson Mandella had a vision for a South Africa without aparteid, George Washington had a vision for a United States of America. I challenge you to think of a great leader without a powerful vision; one cannot exist without the other. In order for you to become a great leader in your own life, the vision must come first.

So, what's your vision? Where are you leading your family? What is your team working so hard to achieve every day at work? Get clear about your vision, get good at sharing it with the people around you and watch what happens.

Take the Lead

Jeremiah

3 Things Coaching Has Taught Me About Leadership

Over the past six months, I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to be the leadership coach to a handful of amazing men. These are men who are working to be better leaders in their family, in their business and in their communities. In that time, I’ve learned as much from them as they have from me; this article contains some of the lessons that have meant the most. Take these lessons and use them to become a better leader in your life.

1. Get THEM to say it

In our lives, the way that most of us try to influence, or solve problems, or inspire somebody is to tell them what to do, to give them the answer. I’ve learned that rather than giving somebody the answer, if I can ask them the right questions to lead THEM to say the answer, it will mean so much more to them and they are much more likely to actually do something with it. If I tell them the answer, it’s my answer; if I get them to say the answer, it’s their answer; they own it. To use this lesson in your life, stop telling people what to do and stop giving people the answer; resist the urge. Rather, ask them probing questions so they are able to come up with their own answer.

2. If you clearly define the problem, the solution presents itself

So much of the frustration that we face in life is due to a lack of clarity about the problems we face. I’ve learned that with any problem I face, the first and most important step is to define that problem with absolute clarity. Until I’ve done that, any effort I spend in solving that problem is wasted. Much of the time, the problem my clients thought they were faced with, was actually something else entirely. Once they clearly defined the problem, the solution always presented itself. To use this lesson in your life, stop jumping right into problem solving; I know guys, it's nearly impossible. Spend more time in clearly identifying the problem; when you think you know what it is, ask five more questions. Only when you are absolutely certain about the problem, then, start thinking about a solution.

3. The truth is never the first thing we say

People protect what’s important to them. I know that to be true, but for some reason, I still assumed that my coaching clients would just open up immediately and pour their deep truths at my feet. I’ve learned that many people have never engaged in conversation with someone who is just interested in listening. I’ve learned that most people haven’t even admitted their deepest fears and motivations to themselves, much less someone outside of their family. I’ve learned that by listening and by asking thoughtful follow-up questions, eventually, people say what is true and what is important. I’ve learned that the first few answers people give are surface level answers meant to appease, but not to reveal. The truth is never the first thing we say. To use this lesson in your life, stop accepting the first answer you get. Ask follow up questions like, "tell me more about that", "how does that make you feel?", and "why is that important to you?". If you're not sure whether you're at the truth, just shut up and let them keep talking; silence is the best revealer of truth.

It wasn't until after I finished writing this article that I realized that all three lessons teach the same thing. Stop talking; ask questions and listen.

If you have any questions about any of these lessons, or about leadership coaching in general, feel free to reach out to me at forgingleaders@gmail.com

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Hunting, Building a Deck, Supermodels and Other Guy Stuff

This article is all about football, hunting, building a deck and poker; oh yeah, and hot chicks.

If I had to choose which of those activities I love best, it would be really difficult; I'm sure you know what I mean guys. What's better, the feeling of your team scoring a last second field goal to win the game, or shooting a 10 point buck, finishing that home improvement project and cracking a beer to admire your handiwork, or pulling out a full house on the river to win a huge pot?

OK, the women should all have stopped reading by now. Sorry for the subterfuge guys, but this article is for men's eyes only! I had to throw all the ladies off the scent.

When was the last time you really connected with your wife? I'm not talking a about a physical connection, although that's important too; I'm talking about connecting with her through conversation. When was the last time you and your wife had a talk like you did when you first met? Remember those? Three, four, six-hour conversations; talking through the night; $200 phone bills; feeling like a world champion every time you made her laugh; feeling like a warrior when she cried on your shoulder.

Guys, those talks were the reason she fell in love with you; those talks are the reason she's your wife. These days, when she attempts to initiate one of those talks, you don't even look up from the football game, you're distracted. These days, when she trys to go back and recreate some of why she first fell in love, you roll your eyes, you do your best to shut her down. She gets sad, or gets pissed off and walks away. Your marriage is like any other relationship; the conversation IS the relationship. What does that say for your relationship with your wife?

Once you've been married any length of time, talks like this don't spring up like they used to. Maybe you both feel like you already know everything about each other, that there's nothing else to learn. Maybe you're both so exhausted by the day-to-day living of your lives that you just don't have the energy to really focus on each other and truly engage.

The bottom line is that if you don't feel truly connected with your wife, chances are, she is losing that feeling of security that is so important to her in the marriage. Chances are most of the problems, disagreements and hurt feelings in your marriage are a result of that loss of connection. As the leader of your family, it's your duty to get things back on track. Here's how you're going to do that.

The purpose of this exercise is to make your wife feel valued, loved and connected with you. The way you are going to achieve this is by getting her talking and keep her talking. This is going to be unlike most of the conversations you have with her, because during this conversation, you aren't going to give her advice, tell her how to solve her problems or turn the conversation back onto yourself. You are going to be an engaged, active listener; you are going to maintain eye contact, keep an interested look on your face and ask follow-up questions. It is important to plan this conversation for a time when neither of you are distracted for at least two hours.

Here are some more ground rules: you lose if you give her a solution, you should be asking at least 5 questions for every statement you make, when in doubt about what to say, ask her "how do you feel about that?”, the more bored or distracted you feel, the more interested you should look. The powerful thing about acting the opposite of how you feel is that eventually, how you feel starts aligning with how you’re acting.

This exercise uses the principles examined in the following Forging Leaders articles; read them before you attempt this conversation to give yourself the best chance of success. Eyes Up, Building Your Army, The 5 Things Men do to F*uck Up Their Marriages, The Conversation IS the Relationship.

I would love to hear how this goes for you.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah

Eyes Up

What’s the best way to get what you want?

How do you give yourself the best chance of success in any interaction whether it is a conversation with your wife, a sales presentation, an escalation with an irate customer, a job interview, a guys weekend retreat, a trip to the park with your kids, a lunch meeting with your boss; anything?

Have you ever been so deep in the actual "doing" of a job, or project, or relationship, that when you finally take a mental step back and evaluate HOW you're doing, you realize that you aren't headed in the right direction? That somehow in the day-to-day living of your life, you've completely lost track of what’s important to you and where you're going?

"Eyes Up" is the term I use to describe the act of checking in with yourself to make sure you're clear about your objectives and that you're on track. Conversely, "Eyes Down" is when you have your head down and are focused on the actual work at hand. In life, it's when we've been Eyes Down for extended periods of time that we get so far from where we meant to go. The way this manifests itself in your life is that you feel like you're stuck in a rut, like you're just spinning your wheels; working so hard, but making no headway.

Here are the three steps to take before any important interaction to give yourself the best chance of success:

Step 1. Ask yourself "What are my objectives in this conversation?" The mere act of clearly identifying what you want before initiating a conversation will cause things to go your way more often. Think about the last time you played pool. What worked better, identifying which ball you wanted to sink and carefully lining up your shot or just hitting the cue ball as hard as you could and see if you got lucky? Don't live your life counting on sinking slop shots.

Something most people miss about this step is that they only identify their single specific objective; e.g. if they go next door to borrow sugar from the neighbor, they would only identify "get sugar" as their objective. Sure, leaving with sugar is the purpose of your visit, but the objectives of "make my neighbor feel valued" and "strengthen my relationship with my neighbor" should be additional goals.

In most every interaction, you will have "commercial" and "cultural" objectives; the commercial objective being the measurable action that you want to come out of the talk, the cultural objective having to do with the relationship between you and them. In the short term, the commercial outcome may seem more critical, in the long term the cultural outcome is always more important. Because of this, I am often willing to lose the battle in order to win the war.

Now that you have clearly identified all of your objectives, let's move to step 2.

Step 2. This step is where we create the right energy, i.e., state of mind, in ourselves so that it is possible to achieve our outcomes. Think about it; if I go into a difficult, uncomfortable conversation with the wrong energy, the chances of getting what I want is very low. I've found that for most conversations the right energy is “Love, Gratitude, Curiosity”

Imagine the kind of conversations you'd have if the other person knew that you cared about THEM more than any commercial outcome, that you were appreciative and thankful for them, and that you were really interested in them. I deliberately use Love, Gratitude, Curiosity(LGC), in any potentially volatile or uncomfortable conversation, e.g., firing somebody, giving constructive criticism, meeting somebody for the first time and asking for business, delivering bad news.

So, you're objectives are clear and your energy is flowing, on to step 3.

Step 3. Identify how you should behave in order to have the best chance of achieving your objectives. Being very clear on the questions you can ask to manage the conversation and the behavior you should model is critical to getting what you want.

Here is a real life example; one of my coaching clients was struggling to build rapport with their top sales rep. Despite having worked with her for over a year, they never connected. This started causing problems when this veteran sales rep started showing her disrespect by making snide comments during team meetings. The situation had the potential to spiral out of control as the sales rep's negative attitude was starting to spread to the other members of the team.

When we met to build a blueprint for how he wanted this conversation to go, my client was very clear on his objective; to get the respect that he felt he deserved as the manager. However, his idea of how to approach this conversation was wrong. He thought he would just tell her that her behavior was unacceptable and then ask her why she acted that way. "I want to know why she's being insubordinate." he said.

What was unclear to him at first was that in order for him to earn her respect and trust, he was going to have to give her his respect and trust first. It’s almost always that case that in order to get something, we must first give it. I call this "Pull Energy". So, once he realized this, he was able to develop a genuine attitude of LGC(Love, Gratitude, Curiosity) and approach her in a way that demonstrated sincere trust. Within two weeks, their relationship went from frustrating and insubordinate to aligned and collaborative.

Here is an exercise I give some of my clients; I encourage you to do it and let me know what you think. For one day, before you initiate ANY interaction or conversation, implement step 1 of the Eyes Up process. That's right, before any call you make, any meeting you attend, any interaction with your wife, your kids, your friends, before ANY interaction, close your eyes for 60 seconds and clearly identify all of the commercial and cultural objectives that you have for that conversation. Then, once the conversation is over or the meeting has ended, check back in with yourself and see if you achieved them.

We're going to use this method in next week's article, "Wife Homework", so get some practice in this week.

Take the lead,

Jeremiah