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We're judged every day by how we act. Often, we're not even conscious of how our behavior is perceived by others. Here's a handy reference guide to what we are really saying by our actions:
If you act arrogant, you're actually communicating that you're insecure; you don't believe in yourself. Truly confident people don't feel the need to by cocky.
If you act humble, you're communicating that you're confident. Humility means making yourself vulnerable, which is too scary for insecure people.
If you act defensive, you're communicating guilt. If you believe in yourself and the work you do, you'd invite questions and critique.
If you blame others for your failures, your communicating weakness. Only someone who thinks of themselves as a victim blames others.
If you take responsibility for your failures, you're communicating confidence and strength. It takes self-confidence to own up to failure.
Insecurity shows up as arrogance
Confidence shows up as humility
Strength shows up as vulnerability
Weakness shows up as bravado and blame
How do you show up?
Jeremiah
How Do You Show Up?
Leadership Fundamentals Part 3 - Tools
Hey Guys,
October was an awesome and crazy month. On the downside, I only wrote one blog article, on the way upside, I got to present "Eyes Up - how to get what you want through deliberate conversations", to almost 300 people in three cities. I've also been working on the new forgingleaders.com, it is just a landing page right now, but my brother Troy and I are looking to launch the new site at the beginning of 2011. It's gonna rock! Plus, I've been doing a ton of reading and coaching, so I have a lot to write about in November.
In this article, I'm going to describe the third pillar of leadership, making sure your team has the tools and/or resources they need to be successful. If you haven't read part 1 and part 2 yet, go do that first, then come back.
So, as a leader, you've communicated a clear vision to your team, you've made sure that they understand their role and what is expected of them; now, it's time to make sure that each team member has the tools they need to be successful. I use the term "tools" to mean the actual equipment they need to do their job, e.g. a sawsall, a ladder, a copy of MS Excel 2007, as well as the skills they need, e.g. sales training, systems training, or leadership training.
Lot's of times, as leaders we just assume that our people will come to us if they need something; we may even pride ourselves on our "hands-off leadership". The truth is that's just lazy leadership. It's our duty to check in with our team to make sure that they have what they need; in fact, they may not even know what they are missing.
If you're doing a good job of checking in with your people on a regular basis, you'll probably see where they could use some help. Even so, I uncover all sorts of training opportunities and resource gaps by asking the following questions every chance I get; "What can I do to support you?" and "What do you need to be successful this week?"
As with everything else I write about for Forging Leaders, this applies equally at home as it does in the office. When was the last time you checked in with your kids and your wife to see how you could support them?
Next time, I'll wrap up the Leadership Fundamentals series with the fourth pillar, Accountability.
Until then, keep your eyes up and take the lead,
Jeremiah
Leadership Fundamentals: Part 2 of 4 - Who Does What
Hey Guys,
Last time, I wrote about the first function of a leader; defining our vision and communicating it to our team. By the way, whenever I use the word "team" in these articles, I just mean the people who work together towards a common goal; it could be your family, the people at your work, the people at your church, or the people in any organization in which you are a leader.
Once people on our team "get" what our vision is, the next thing they are going to need to know is how they personally fit in to that vision. That brings us to our next function of a leader, setting roles and expectations. That's just a fancy way to say "making sure that each person on the team knows what their job is and what is expected of them".
"Why is this so important?" you ask.
Let me answer that with a question. Think of the last athletic team you played on, it doesn't matter what sport it was. What would have happened during a game if your teammates weren't clear on their role? How would that touchdown throw have worked out if your receiver had forgotten his route? How would that sweet double-play have worked out if the 1st baseman wasn't on the bag? In sports, the slightest variation from your role, from what is expected of you by your teammates can cost your team the game.
In life it's the same way. Think about the last argument you had with your wife; I'd bet you an In-N-Out Double-Double that it was caused by unclear expectations. What YOU thought was suppose to happen wasn't what SHE thought was suppose to happen.
These misunderstandings happen just as often at work; although the consequences are different. Rather than a night sleeping on the couch, people lose their jobs; or at the very least, damage their reputation. "I don't think Tim is the right person to handle the new account, he really let me down last time."
The lesson here is that each of us is responsible for making sure that we communicate clear, agreed-on expectations with every person who looks to us for leadership. "If you fail to set expectations, expect to fail"
So, ask yourself "Have I set expectations clearly?", "Am I setting someone up to fail because I haven't made sure that they have clear expectations?" Then, go talk with your team; ask them if they understand their role and what you and the rest of the team expect from them. If anyone is confused about their role, it's up to you to help them get clear.
If you have any questions about these conversations, or about setting expectations in general, reach out to me through the comment section or you can email me at forgingleades (at) gmail (dot) com
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
Leadership Fundamentals: Part 1 of 4 - Vision Test
You know how when you get a new gadget, you start noticing all the other people who have the same gadget? Before I got an iPad I never saw them; now that I have one, they're everywhere; it's the same way with leadership. Now that I spend so much time writing and coaching in the area of leadership, the behavior of leaders jumps out at me wherever I go. I've noticed some inspiring examples of leaders who really get it, and almost every day I see examples of leaders totally wiffing, missing the point, forgetting their role.
So, what's your vision? Where are you leading your family? What is your team working so hard to achieve every day at work? Get clear about your vision, get good at sharing it with the people around you and watch what happens.
Take the Lead
Jeremiah
3 Things Coaching Has Taught Me About Leadership
1. Get THEM to say it
In our lives, the way that most of us try to influence, or solve problems, or inspire somebody is to tell them what to do, to give them the answer. I’ve learned that rather than giving somebody the answer, if I can ask them the right questions to lead THEM to say the answer, it will mean so much more to them and they are much more likely to actually do something with it. If I tell them the answer, it’s my answer; if I get them to say the answer, it’s their answer; they own it. To use this lesson in your life, stop telling people what to do and stop giving people the answer; resist the urge. Rather, ask them probing questions so they are able to come up with their own answer.
2. If you clearly define the problem, the solution presents itself
3. The truth is never the first thing we say
People protect what’s important to them. I know that to be true, but for some reason, I still assumed that my coaching clients would just open up immediately and pour their deep truths at my feet. I’ve learned that many people have never engaged in conversation with someone who is just interested in listening. I’ve learned that most people haven’t even admitted their deepest fears and motivations to themselves, much less someone outside of their family. I’ve learned that by listening and by asking thoughtful follow-up questions, eventually, people say what is true and what is important. I’ve learned that the first few answers people give are surface level answers meant to appease, but not to reveal. The truth is never the first thing we say. To use this lesson in your life, stop accepting the first answer you get. Ask follow up questions like, "tell me more about that", "how does that make you feel?", and "why is that important to you?". If you're not sure whether you're at the truth, just shut up and let them keep talking; silence is the best revealer of truth.
It wasn't until after I finished writing this article that I realized that all three lessons teach the same thing. Stop talking; ask questions and listen.
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
Hunting, Building a Deck, Supermodels and Other Guy Stuff
This article is all about football, hunting, building a deck and poker; oh yeah, and hot chicks.
If I had to choose which of those activities I love best, it would be really difficult; I'm sure you know what I mean guys. What's better, the feeling of your team scoring a last second field goal to win the game, or shooting a 10 point buck, finishing that home improvement project and cracking a beer to admire your handiwork, or pulling out a full house on the river to win a huge pot?
OK, the women should all have stopped reading by now. Sorry for the subterfuge guys, but this article is for men's eyes only! I had to throw all the ladies off the scent.
When was the last time you really connected with your wife? I'm not talking a about a physical connection, although that's important too; I'm talking about connecting with her through conversation. When was the last time you and your wife had a talk like you did when you first met? Remember those? Three, four, six-hour conversations; talking through the night; $200 phone bills; feeling like a world champion every time you made her laugh; feeling like a warrior when she cried on your shoulder.
Guys, those talks were the reason she fell in love with you; those talks are the reason she's your wife. These days, when she attempts to initiate one of those talks, you don't even look up from the football game, you're distracted. These days, when she trys to go back and recreate some of why she first fell in love, you roll your eyes, you do your best to shut her down. She gets sad, or gets pissed off and walks away. Your marriage is like any other relationship; the conversation IS the relationship. What does that say for your relationship with your wife?
Once you've been married any length of time, talks like this don't spring up like they used to. Maybe you both feel like you already know everything about each other, that there's nothing else to learn. Maybe you're both so exhausted by the day-to-day living of your lives that you just don't have the energy to really focus on each other and truly engage.
The bottom line is that if you don't feel truly connected with your wife, chances are, she is losing that feeling of security that is so important to her in the marriage. Chances are most of the problems, disagreements and hurt feelings in your marriage are a result of that loss of connection. As the leader of your family, it's your duty to get things back on track. Here's how you're going to do that.
The purpose of this exercise is to make your wife feel valued, loved and connected with you. The way you are going to achieve this is by getting her talking and keep her talking. This is going to be unlike most of the conversations you have with her, because during this conversation, you aren't going to give her advice, tell her how to solve her problems or turn the conversation back onto yourself. You are going to be an engaged, active listener; you are going to maintain eye contact, keep an interested look on your face and ask follow-up questions. It is important to plan this conversation for a time when neither of you are distracted for at least two hours.
Here are some more ground rules: you lose if you give her a solution, you should be asking at least 5 questions for every statement you make, when in doubt about what to say, ask her "how do you feel about that?”, the more bored or distracted you feel, the more interested you should look. The powerful thing about acting the opposite of how you feel is that eventually, how you feel starts aligning with how you’re acting.
This exercise uses the principles examined in the following Forging Leaders articles; read them before you attempt this conversation to give yourself the best chance of success. Eyes Up, Building Your Army, The 5 Things Men do to F*uck Up Their Marriages, The Conversation IS the Relationship.
I would love to hear how this goes for you.
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
Eyes Up
How do you give yourself the best chance of success in any interaction whether it is a conversation with your wife, a sales presentation, an escalation with an irate customer, a job interview, a guys weekend retreat, a trip to the park with your kids, a lunch meeting with your boss; anything?
Have you ever been so deep in the actual "doing" of a job, or project, or relationship, that when you finally take a mental step back and evaluate HOW you're doing, you realize that you aren't headed in the right direction? That somehow in the day-to-day living of your life, you've completely lost track of what’s important to you and where you're going?
"Eyes Up" is the term I use to describe the act of checking in with yourself to make sure you're clear about your objectives and that you're on track. Conversely, "Eyes Down" is when you have your head down and are focused on the actual work at hand. In life, it's when we've been Eyes Down for extended periods of time that we get so far from where we meant to go. The way this manifests itself in your life is that you feel like you're stuck in a rut, like you're just spinning your wheels; working so hard, but making no headway.
Here are the three steps to take before any important interaction to give yourself the best chance of success:
Step 1. Ask yourself "What are my objectives in this conversation?" The mere act of clearly identifying what you want before initiating a conversation will cause things to go your way more often. Think about the last time you played pool. What worked better, identifying which ball you wanted to sink and carefully lining up your shot or just hitting the cue ball as hard as you could and see if you got lucky? Don't live your life counting on sinking slop shots.
Something most people miss about this step is that they only identify their single specific objective; e.g. if they go next door to borrow sugar from the neighbor, they would only identify "get sugar" as their objective. Sure, leaving with sugar is the purpose of your visit, but the objectives of "make my neighbor feel valued" and "strengthen my relationship with my neighbor" should be additional goals.
In most every interaction, you will have "commercial" and "cultural" objectives; the commercial objective being the measurable action that you want to come out of the talk, the cultural objective having to do with the relationship between you and them. In the short term, the commercial outcome may seem more critical, in the long term the cultural outcome is always more important. Because of this, I am often willing to lose the battle in order to win the war.
Now that you have clearly identified all of your objectives, let's move to step 2.
Step 2. This step is where we create the right energy, i.e., state of mind, in ourselves so that it is possible to achieve our outcomes. Think about it; if I go into a difficult, uncomfortable conversation with the wrong energy, the chances of getting what I want is very low. I've found that for most conversations the right energy is “Love, Gratitude, Curiosity”
Imagine the kind of conversations you'd have if the other person knew that you cared about THEM more than any commercial outcome, that you were appreciative and thankful for them, and that you were really interested in them. I deliberately use Love, Gratitude, Curiosity(LGC), in any potentially volatile or uncomfortable conversation, e.g., firing somebody, giving constructive criticism, meeting somebody for the first time and asking for business, delivering bad news.
So, you're objectives are clear and your energy is flowing, on to step 3.
Step 3. Identify how you should behave in order to have the best chance of achieving your objectives. Being very clear on the questions you can ask to manage the conversation and the behavior you should model is critical to getting what you want.
Here is a real life example; one of my coaching clients was struggling to build rapport with their top sales rep. Despite having worked with her for over a year, they never connected. This started causing problems when this veteran sales rep started showing her disrespect by making snide comments during team meetings. The situation had the potential to spiral out of control as the sales rep's negative attitude was starting to spread to the other members of the team.
When we met to build a blueprint for how he wanted this conversation to go, my client was very clear on his objective; to get the respect that he felt he deserved as the manager. However, his idea of how to approach this conversation was wrong. He thought he would just tell her that her behavior was unacceptable and then ask her why she acted that way. "I want to know why she's being insubordinate." he said.
What was unclear to him at first was that in order for him to earn her respect and trust, he was going to have to give her his respect and trust first. It’s almost always that case that in order to get something, we must first give it. I call this "Pull Energy". So, once he realized this, he was able to develop a genuine attitude of LGC(Love, Gratitude, Curiosity) and approach her in a way that demonstrated sincere trust. Within two weeks, their relationship went from frustrating and insubordinate to aligned and collaborative.
Here is an exercise I give some of my clients; I encourage you to do it and let me know what you think. For one day, before you initiate ANY interaction or conversation, implement step 1 of the Eyes Up process. That's right, before any call you make, any meeting you attend, any interaction with your wife, your kids, your friends, before ANY interaction, close your eyes for 60 seconds and clearly identify all of the commercial and cultural objectives that you have for that conversation. Then, once the conversation is over or the meeting has ended, check back in with yourself and see if you achieved them.
We're going to use this method in next week's article, "Wife Homework", so get some practice in this week.
Take the lead,
Life is a Team Sport
Think about it; how did you meet your wife? How did you get your current job? How about your previous job? If you're like most people, you met the girl; you got the job, or at least the interview, because you knew somebody. Most things in life are like that; after all "It's who you know, not what you know that matters."
It was the summer of 2005; I had been out of fighting for five years. My last professional mixed martial arts fight was in April of 2000. I was now living in Sacramento, CA with, Andrea, my wife of four years. I worked in the mortgage business, I owned my own home; I was all grown up. So, when one of my good friends said "Jerry, you should try out for The Ultimate Fighter.", a new mixed martial arts reality TV show, my first reaction was to laugh. The reason that I didn't completely reject the idea was that the good friend was Chuck Liddell, soon to be UFC light heavyweight champion of the world. Chuck and I had trained and fought together in San Luis Obispo back in the 20th century. Chuck thought that I had a good shot at winning the show and the $100,000 UFC contract.
I spent the next five months in the gym. Most days, I worked out at least three hours, some days as much as five hours. It took me five months, but I got back in fighting shape. Per the instructions on www.ufc.com, I made an interview tape, and because I didn't have any of my fights recorded, I made a training tape. I sent all that in to the production company that makes The Ultimate Fighter show for Spike TV. The response was underwhelming. I heard nothing...crickets.
It was late November; the selection deadline had just passed. The lucky 50 guys who were selected to travel to Las Vegas for a five-day interview process had already received their calls. Did 31 year old Jeremiah, who had been out of the fight game for five years hear back from Spike TV? No.
Chuck called me later that day, "How's it going Jerry, you hear back yet?" I told him I hadn't. He said he had to go, and we hung up. Fifteen minutes later, my phone rang; it was the production company for The Ultimate Fighter; I was headed to Vegas! It turns out that Chuck had called London to speak with Dana White, the President of the UFC, who called the head of The Ultimate Fighter, who called the production company, who called me.
So, I made it to Vegas, but washed out during the interview round. I know; pretty anticlimactic.
The point of the story is that because of a friendship, I got to have an experience that few others ever get to; I got flown to Las Vegas and put up in a hotel for five days of interviews for a TV show. Again, "It's who you know…”.
People will often use that as an excuse to explain why they didn't get the job, or the promotion, or the scholarship. They’ll explain away their failures as the result of somebody else having the relationship. Rather than use it as an excuse, it can become your mantra. You can use it to be deliberate about building new friendships, and strengthening your existing ones.
Jeffrey Gitomer, one of the preeminent sales gurus, says "The person who will make the biggest impact on your business in the next two years is somebody you don't know today."
The message is clear. If you want to achieve your dreams and live the life you were meant to live, you're going to need help; lots of help. Life is a team sport.
The problem for most guys is that we stop making close friends in 8th grade; ok, maybe college if we're lucky. Once we get married and get a "real job", most men stop seeking out friendship. I have actually heard someone say "I have all the friends I need." Bulls#&*. Nothing fulfills and connects us like close relationships with other people. The truth is that most guys are scared to open up enough to other men in order to create these true friendships. There is a fear that if we reach out to connect on any sort of deep level with another guy, we'll be mocked; rejected. It's this fear of rejection that keeps most men isolated.
Men, I have news for you; every other guy has the same fear. Take the lead, reach out to somebody you like, start having deeper conversations, expose yourself (figuratively), take the risk and make the connection.
Life is a team sport. Who's in your starting line-up?
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
Money & Happiness
Oversight corrected.
Happiness is a funny thing. You ask anyone what they want most in life; happiness is at least part of their answer, but most people have a hard time defining exactly what it looks like. If you're a regular Forging Leaders reader, you know that I believe happiness is made up of two components; living in alignment with your core values and deep relationships with other people.
So, what's the relationship between money and happiness?
Here's the deal. You CAN have both. However, when money is our focus, our relationships suffer. I know that in my life, I was the most unhappy when I had the most money. My thoughts were consumed with how to earn it and how to spend it; I didn't spend any time focused on what was truly important, my wife, my family, my friends. The more time I spent focused on money, the more I came to believe that I was what I earned.
When we don't have a lot of money, we spend more quality time with our friends and family. We realize that we can live with less and that our stuff is just stuff.
Now, don't get me wrong, I haven't turned in my capitalist membership card, I'm not suggesting that you give away all your possessions and move to a yurt in Mongolia. I firmly believe that wealth and happiness are both achievable.
Why Keeping Score Matters
"Do you think it's important to keep score in youth soccer games?" That was the question posed to me in the elevator the other day by a friend of mine visiting from out of town. We had been talking about the importance of kids' involvement in sports teams or other social activities when he popped the question about keeping score.
Is it important to keep score or should everyone be a winner? Great question, with ramifications far beyond youth sports.
Keeping score is vitally important; not so much for the winners, but for the losers. Every important lesson I've learned in life has been the result of losing. Losing at sports, failing a test, failing in business, losing friendships; all these losses have taught me lessons of humility, integrity, duty, love, sacrifice, setting proper expectations, having uncomfortable conversations sooner rather than later, how to be a better friend, a better business partner, a better brother a better husband, and a better person. Heck, losing even taught me to be a gracious winner. I shudder when I consider the person I would be today without those failures.
So, back to the question. "Why is keeping score important?" If we don't keep score, we rob children of the most precious of experiences, the experience of failure. If you buy into the idea that humans learn through failing, you should view failure as something to be cherished, not avoided. If kids don't have the opportunity to fail and to learn that failure isn't the end of the world; that failure is actually the key to eventual success, then they turn into adults who are so afraid of failure that they don't actually live.
Braveheart said it best, "Every man dies, not every man truly lives." Most men don't truly live because they're scared of losing; they're scared of chasing their dreams and passions with everything they have, and of coming up short. It's much safer to just not try.
I'm not sure exactly who first put forward the idea that failure is bad for a child's self esteem, but they are exactly wrong. What's bad for a child's self esteem is to never be put in a position where failure was possible. What's bad for a child's self esteem is to be so coddled and insulated by their parents that they never gain the authentic self confidence that is earned by failing and trying again, and failing again, and trying again and finally succeeding.
Soon, your son or daughter is going to have an opportunity to fail; let them.
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
The 5 Things Men Do To F*ck Up Their Marriages
**Disclaimer 1** This article contains some poorly disguised profanity and is not for children.
**Disclaimer 2** Guys, as we know, every woman is as unique as a beautiful snowflake, so it's possible that something in this article misses the mark in your marriage...but I doubt it.
By the time we reach our mid 30s, most guys are so confounded by the opposite sex that we feel like women, our wives included, are an unsolvable mystery. Somewhere along the way, our strategy changed from love her/fulfill her/make her feel like a queen, to, do just enough so she doesn't make my life hell. The reason our strategy changed is that we've built the wrong habits and laid down the wrong behavior patterns between us and our wives.
Before we look at the ways men f*ck up their marriages, let's examine men's and women's natural roles.
Men have been gifted with physical strength and the aggression required to defend their loved ones, and to attack and kill those who threaten their family unit. Masculine energy is strong, confident and protective.
Women have been gifted with the inner strength to endure pain and suffering in order to care for their family along with the gentle spirit required to nurture and care for her children and husband. Feminine energy is nurturing, resilient and caring. If you have any doubt about the difference in inner strength, observe how men and women act when they're sick. Women push through it as much as possible to keep their home in order and children cared for; men are usually on the couch with a “blankie” and a bowl of soup(me included).
In a healthy marriage, husband and wife are on equal levels, playing different, but equally important roles.
There is one more thing to cover before we get to the f*ckups; guys, if you learn nothing else from this article, remember this: The most fundamental need that your wife has is to feel SAFE in her marriage and with you as her husband. This desire for safety and security is so powerful that when it is unfulfilled, the entire fabric of the marriage begins to unravel.
Now that we covered that, on to the f*ckups.
F*ckup #1 - Ship Without a Captain
Just like a ship without a captain, a marriage without a leader drifts aimlessly on the tides, carried wherever the currents take it. As the husband, it's your job to be the leader of your family, the captain of your ship. Here's the deal; when the husband isn't stepping up and leading the family, the wife feels it. Her sense of security is threatened; after all, the ship needs a captain! She does the only thing she can, she tries to take over the ship, but because it's not her natural role, it doesn't work. You're guilty of this f*ckup if you've given the emotional control of your relationship to your wife. The question "who wears the pants in the family?" is really telling. The family needs a strong, confident leader; it should be you.
F*ckup #2 - Just Wait Till Your Mother Gets Home
When in doubt, there is a quick test to determine who the leader of the family is; “who disciplines the kids?” Guys, the mother's natural role is of nurturing and caring for her children. The quickest way to lose her respect and to surrender control of the marriage is to leave the discipline of your children to your wife. In a healthy marriage, both parents participate in correcting the children; however the bulk of the discipline, especially any physical discipline, should come from the father. In a healthy family, the kids have at least a small measure of fear of their father; they should know that if they make bad decisions, their father is going to hold them accountable. Take this function back from your wife and allow her to shift back into her natural role.
F*ckup #3 - Ah, Push It
In a healthy marriage, husband = leader. Because of this, the most important leadership behavior is also the most important husband behavior; that behavior is using "pull energy". There are two ways to try to get what you want in your marriage and in your life, "push energy" and "pull energy". Here's what "push energy" looks like in a marriage: the husband tells his wife what she should do, how she should act or react, he tells her all the things he's going to do in life, he tells her to clean the house, he tells her to get in better shape, he tells her how she is wrong, he creates an adversarial relationship, he plays take-away and removes her sense of security. Does any of that sound familiar?
Here's what "pull energy" looks like in a marriage: husband shows his wife how he wants her to act towards him by modeling that behavior to her, consistently, lovingly, confidently. Rather than telling her all the things he is GOING to do, he just does them and let's her see the results. He makes the effort to clean up the house, he shows his wife how important it is to him through his behavior, not his words. He doesn't tell her to get in shape; he pays attention to eating well and to working out so that she sees how important fitness is to him; not because of his words, but because of his behavior. He creates a positive, encouraging, complimenting, forgiving, apologizing, listening relationship through HIS behavior. He doesn't tell her to encourage him, to compliment him, to forgive him; he encourages her, compliments her, and forgives her. He realizes that her sense of security is the foundation of EVERYTHING, he protects that foundation, he holds it sacred.
You know you're guilty of this f*ckup if you find yourself frustrated, angry and hurt in your marriage. If you're always TELLING your wife all the things you're GOING to do someday. If you've let yourself get overweight, if you don't take care of yourself and don't pay attention to how you smell. If you always tell your wife how you feel when you're scared or insecure. If you find yourself saying things like; "why don't you appreciate everything I do for this family."
F*ckup #4 - Dogs, and Women Can Smell Weakness
Guys, your wife doesn't need to know about every ache, injury, fear, doubt or insecurity you have. Until I realized that I'm the leader in my marriage, I didn't understand that sharing all of my fears and weaknesses with my wife was only undermining my ability to lead. Just like men want their wives to be a lady in the parlor and a freak in the bedroom, women want a husband who's a warrior on the battlefield and a father in the home. Women want a strong, battle-hardened man, who will do ANYTHING in the world to keep her and her children safe. This feeds her sense of security.
You've all seen Braveheart and Gladiator; imagine how his men would have reacted if William Wallace had called them around the campfire the night before the big battle and said "Men, should we really meet the English on the field of battle tomorrow? We're outnumbered, under-armed, we're without cavalry; I doubt that we can be victorious; isn't anyone else scared of dying? Maybe we should just go back to our families and our farms and forget this whole thing."
How would his men have reacted if Maximus had told them to fight bravely and die like men, but had stayed in the rear of the battle, away from harm? When it was just him and 12 others on the floor of the Coliseum and those door opened, and those chariots rolled into the arena. When the battle was suppose to go against them, when they were suppose to put up a weak resistance then get killed for the pleasure of the mob. What if Maximus had expressed his fear, his doubt to the dozen men around him? What if he had looked to them for comfort; looked to them for encouragement. How would that battle have gone? Would those men have followed him to victory?
As the husband, YOU are William Wallace, YOU are Maximus. Your wife and children are looking to YOU to lead them; so inspire them, rally them, pick them up when they’re down, congratulate them on their successes, make sure they know that you’ll lead them to victory.
You know you're guilty of this f*ckup if you're constantly going to your wife for comfort, if you're always sharing your fears and insecurities with her, and if you're telling her about every discomfort and boo-boo that you have.
F*ckup #5 - Muffin Top and Man Boobs
Don't you wish your wife was still the hottie that you first fell in love with? Well, she feels the same way about you. We all want to be with a spouse who physically turns us on. Being physically fit does a couple of key things for you. First, it increases your confidence. If you've lost self-esteem, if your self confidence has dropped, getting back into shape is one of the most important things you can do to pump it back up. Second, your wife is going to be more attracted to you and is going to want to get in better shape herself. There is no better way to encourage your wife to get back in shape than making it a priority for yourself.
You're guilty of this f*ckup if you've given up on your appearance, if you don't get exercise, don't pay attention to how you eat, if you're eyebrows, ear hair or nose hair are way out of control, and if you're stinky.
Well, that's it guys. If you take this advice to heart and eliminate these five f*ckups, you'll see a HUGE shift in the energy between you and your wife. These f*ckups are responsible for millions of divorces, mid-life crises and kids growing up without their dads. Do your part to start rebuilding the institution of marriage, eliminate these f*ckups in your life. And because every man is guilty of at least one of these, pass this article on to all the guys you know.
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
Building Your Army
Imagine what your life would look like if you had hundreds of advocates; hundreds of people who loved being around you, were excited to see you, spend time with you, would think of you first when a job opportunity, or anything else came up. Imagine an army of people out there saying good things about you behind your back. Imagine being that guy who people were talking about when they told others "There's this guy I've just GOT to introduce you to." What could you achieve in life with the deep support of so many others?
If you want this but think that it sounds about as likely as winning the lottery, I have good news for you; making deep connections with other people is a learnable skill like riding a bike, or learning to speak a foreign language.
How do we judge others? What is it about somebody that makes us like them, hate them, not notice them?
The answer is this; we judge others by how they make us feel. We like people who make us feel good, who attract us. Maybe it's physical attractiveness, or sense of humor, or a common interest, or common dislike. If being around them makes us feel good, we will go out of our way to be around them. This is such a strong pull that it works even if they make us feel good by appealing to our worst selves, such as feeding an insecurity.
Once you say it out loud, it's so obvious; we like people who make us feel good.
This is one of the more powerful realizations about the human condition; if you understand that people are attracted to those who make them feel good, you've got the secret to connecting with people, the secret to creating advocates.
So, how do you use this realization to start creating the life you dream about?
You start making people feel good when you are around. The most effective way to make people feel good is to take an interest in them. When you talk with them, be an active, genuinely interested listener. Ask questions, find out what they are interested in, BE interested in what they're interested in.
Think about it; how do most conversations between two people go? Each of them keeps bringing it back to themselves. "Oh cool, you went fishing over the weekend? Well, I caught a huge fish on my last trip to Mexico blah blah blah..." Each of them might as well be having a conversation alone. Neither one is really listening to the other; neither one really cares about what the other is saying. When the other is talking, they are just thinking about what they are going to say next; they may even interrupt to talk about THEIR experience. Does this sound familiar?
Is either of them getting any sort of true fulfillment out of talking with each other? No, each is doing their best to connect with the other by telling the other about themselves. It just doesn't work.
If one of the people in that conversation followed the Forging Leaders blog and implemented the behaviors discussed here, that fishing conversation would look like this. "Oh cool, you went fishing over the weekend? Did you catch anything? Really? That's awesome! Where were you at? What bait did you use? Have you been fishing for a long time? Oh, you grew up going fishing with your Dad? How old were you when you first went?" ***The next one is the home run question*** "What is your favorite memory of fishing with your father when you were young?" BAM!!!
You've just used a conversation about fishing to make a connection. You now know something about him that very few other people in the world know. Better yet, you just made him feel important because you showed genuine interest. Better yet, you just made him feel good by revisiting a favorite childhood memory that he probably hasn't thought about in years.
Yes, it's that simple. Start changing the way you talk with people. Here are a couple of Forging Leaders rules to using conversation to connect.
Rule #1: Ask at least 5 questions for every declarative statement you make.
Rule #2: Maintain eye contact at least 80% of the conversation.
Rule #3: Wait at least 2 seconds after they stop speaking to start saying something.
There are more than 3 rules, but those should get you started. Get out there TODAY and have a different kind of conversation with somebody. Get out there today and start building your army.
P.S. Try this with your wife.
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
The 24 Hour Negativity Fast
This article lays out the 1st step in forging your Armor and expands on this article. If you haven't already read the article "Forging Your Armor", you may want to go back and do that first.
If you're like most men, you just sort of drift along life's current; you aren't really deliberate about how you live. Sure, maybe you pay attention to your diet, your workout schedule, your career, maybe you're even a pretty good husband and father. But how satisfied are you? Are you living a life of authentic fulfillment? Are you pursuing your passions, forging deep relationships, living a truly happy life?
Just like addition is a prerequisite for algebra, an authentic sense of self-confidence is a requirement for a truly happy life. This authentic self-confidence, which I refer to as Armor, is gained through some very specific behaviors. This article is about the most fundemental component of Armor; positivity.
Of the eight skills that build confidence, having a positive attitude is the foundation on which all other skills are built. Just like you can't grow crops in toxic soil, you can't grow leadership and happiness in a toxic soul. Positivity is also our foundation for another reason; it's the only skill of the eight that doesn't require confidence, it just builds it.
Because everything else good in life springs from a positive attitude, it deserves a deliberate effort; that's where the 24 hour negativity fast comes in. From the moment you wake up tomorrow morning until you wake up the following morning, radiate an aura of positivity. That means that you don't complain, whine or say anything negative or even neutral for the entire day. In addition, your body language is only positive; no eye-rolling, shrugging, scowling, sighing or frowning.
Your mind is going to take a little while to catch up to your actions; you are probably still going to have negative thoughts. The challenge is to catch them and kill them before you communicate them. Imagine that you have a big net; every time you have a negative thought, throw the net over it before the thought makes it out into the world in your speech or body language.
The more negative of a person you are, the more you need this and the more difficult it will be. In fact, there is a quote on the Forging Leaders "quotes" page that sums up this fundamental law "The more uncomfortable the experience, the more meaningful and important it is." Embrace this challenge!
Remember, this commitment is only for 24 hours, if you're happier as a negative person, you can always go back to your normal life the day after tomorrow.
I would love to hear how about your 24 hour fast; shoot me an email, or leave a comment on this article and let me know how it went.
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
Forging Your Armor
Every man can become the man he wishes he was; every man can become the hero in his life story. Most men fall short, not because they're weak, or bad, or stupid, or lazy; most men fall short, because they aren't deliberate, they don't have a map, and they won't stop and ask for directions.
If you hold grudges, if you don't offer sincere apologies when you wrong others; if you have dozens of "friends", but nobody who you can go to for support when you really need it, you may be a waller.
The Conversation IS the Relationship
Conversely, the guy at the office who you just talk about sports or politics with, is exactly that; the guy who you chit chat with, but you would never go to for any real help or support.
Think about this for a moment. What are the deepest, most personal, most meaningful, most important conversations you have ever had? Who did you have them with? Unless you answered "therapist", you probably answered "best friend" or "wife".
Now think about ten people you know; what level of conversations do you have with each of them? Do you see the correlation between the things you discuss and the intimacy level of the relationship?
If you are like most men, you have very few "true" friends; friends who would drive to your house at 1:00am to help you bury the body. There isn't anything wrong with you, you're just not having the right conversations.
There is powerful magic in this.
Once you accept that your relationships ARE the conversations you have, you realize that you are able to have as many deep, true friendships as you want; all you have to do is have deeper, truer conversations.
The best place to start is at home. When was the last time you had a conversation with your wife in which you just listened and didn't offer her an answer? Take her on a walk, away from all the distractions of the home and ask her how she's doing; then shut-up and just listen.
The next time you're hanging out with one of your guy friends throw this one out there and see what happens "What is the most important thing we could be talking about right now?" I can't promise that a great conversation will follow, but it often does. Some of the answers I have gotten are: God, being a husband, being a father, being scared of letting someone down. When was the last time you had a sincere, thoughtful conversation with one of your guy friends about one of those topics?
Most guys around my age, 30-50, have very few true friends. I think it's because we're never taught the importance of conversation. Even if we know we should be having different conversations, we don't because it's scary as hell. What if you try to have a deep conversation but your buddy thinks its stupid, or just laughs at you?
It takes authentic self confidence, also called Armor, to put yourself out there and initiate conversations like this. When I first began having these conversations, I was scared because I wasn't sure how they would react. I can tell you that my life has gained so much richness and depth from the amazing friendships these conversations have led to. Get out there and have a REAL conversation.
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
Questions are the Answer
Somewhere around the 30th sting, when I was 6 years old, my body decided to become allerigc. The camp counselor rushed me to the hospital and I was given a shot to pull me out of anaphylactic shock. I rode home from the hospital with my dad and something called an EpiPen. For those of you lucky enough to not need this torture implement, it's a hypodermic needle that shoots out of its casing to inject you with medicine to counter your allergic reaction.
When we pulled into our parking spot, my dad ran into the house to get something, then we were going on another errand. The last thing he said before he left me in the truck and walked towards our house; "Miah, don't touch the EpiPen". Do you care to guess what happened next?
The sound of my screaming brought my dad running back to the truck at top speed. I had accidentally injected my hand with the EpiPen.
That was the earliest in a long line of examples of me not learning from others, but needing to learn the lesson through my own experience.
Think about your own life; when have you learned your big lessons? Was it from a book you read, from the advice of a friend? Or was it from messing up really bad? If you're like most people, the most important lessons you've learned through failing. I wrote another article on Failure, check it here .
Motivation vs. Discipline
What was the last thing in your life you began while you were really motivated? Was it a diet, a workout plan, a job, a relationship? What happened once your motivation started falling off? I know what used to happen to me; oops, I'd skip a day at the gym; oops, I'd cheat on my diet.
What would you tell yourself when you failed? "I've just got to get remotivated!"
If you're like most men, those short periods of remotivation resulted in short periods of success, not the long term realization of your goals. Motivation is great in the short-run, but motivation can't be relied on to achieve your long term goals.
The reason it doesn't last is that motivation is an emotional response. We get motivated when we're passionate, guilty, angry, or inspired; we get motivated by an event, New Year's resolutions, an upcoming wedding or vacation, attending a funeral. Have you ever gone to a funeral and thought to yourself "From now on, I'm going to live every day like it's my last." or at least "From now on, I'm going to appreciate my life every day." How long did that last?
The key to achieving your long-term goals, whether they be quitting cigarettes, being a loving husband and father, or making a living out of your passion for playing chess, is discipline.
The best definition I've seen for discipline is:
Discipline: remembering what it is that you want
Unlike motivation, discipline isn't emotionally inspired; because of that, discipline has staying power. A disciplined approach is much different than a motivated approach. The disciplined man knows that his motivation will wax and wane, but that his objective doesn't. He understands that there are some mornings he isn't going to "feel" like getting up early to hit the gym, but that because getting up early to hit the gym is going to get him what he wants, he'll do it anyways.
Marriages fall under the same pattern for most men; they fall in love and get married with the expectation that that same motivation will carry them through. Then, when the passion and excitement fades a bit, when their wife drives them crazy because they don't agree or see eye-to-eye on many of life's decisions, when their wives habits that used to be adorable, become irritating, they become demotivated, fall out of love, stop leading their family, and eventually get divorced.
The disciplined husband knows that he loves his wife, and that his passion for her will ebb and flow throughout their marriage. He also knows that when they are in one of those ebbs, it's only temporary and that he's truely happiest when he's being a loving husband and father. Remembering this let's the disciplined husband continue to dote on and to adore his wife even when things aren't perfect.
Where in your life is your primary drive your motivation level? Make the switch to discipline and you'll have more success in keeping long-term commitments and achieving long-term goals.
Until next time, Take the lead!
Jeremiah
Black Belt Leadership
Jujitsu, or any martial art, begins with the student learning the fundamental moves and positions upon which more complex techniques are built. As the student learns and practices those basic techniques, he becomes more proficient; his results improve. Eventually, the student masters the technique, adds it to their repertoire and begins the process all over again with more difficult, more effective moves.
Leadership is no different; the Forged Leader advances through the ranks of leadership by learning, practicing and mastering the techniques required to advance. Just as in Jujitsu, until the leader masters the fundamentals, the most advanced and effective skills will remain beyond his grasp.
Here are the skills required for Blackbelt Leadership, in order, from most basic, to most advanced.
Level 1: White Belt – Orange Belt
Positivity
Appreciating
Complimenting
Listening
Encouraging
Level 2: Green Belt – Purple Belt
Asking for help
Forgiving
Pulling
Apology
Level 3: Brown Belt – Black Belt
Allowing others to lead
Act the Opposite
Embrace Failure
Coming soon are a series of articles examining each skill, how to use it effectively and how it fits in to your leadership arsenal.
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
Orienting your Compass
When you ask anybody what they want in life, "happiness" is at least part of their answer. So if everybody can so clearly identify "happiness" as their goal, why are there so many millions of miserable people? Why are there happy people in some of the most miserable places on earth and miserable people in some of the happiest places on earth? Why do so many people chase happiness only to arrive at the opposite result?
I believe that happiness is largely a result of two things:
1)Living in alignment with your core values
2)Close relationships with other people
This article will focus on the first, living your core values.
Doesn't it make sense that if you consistently acted in a way that aligns with your core values that you would be happier? Of course it does. You would have more self-respect, more confidence, more peace of mind and more satisfaction.
The first step towards true, sustainable happiness is to identify your core values. Core values are those attributes that you hold in the highest esteem; they are the most important components of a persons makeup.
So, what are YOUR core values? If you're like most people, you've never been deliberate about identifying and writing down your core values. I call this process orienting your compass.
Just like any journey, the first step on the road to happiness is determining where you are and which direction is north. You've got to get your bearings before you can point yourself in the right direction. Later, once our compass is oriented, we will pick a destination and build our roadmap. But for now, we need that compass.
Keep in mind that when determining your core values, that you must differentiate between values, which are traits or attributes that dictate behavior, versus outcomes. As an example, determination would be the value, success would be the outcome. Positive attitude would be the value, happiness would be the outcome. Integrity and duty are the values, being trusted, or being respected are the outcomes.
If you are having trouble identifying your top three core values, you can borrow the traits of your heroes. Think of the people who you respect most in the world. These can be historical figures, people you personally know, religious leaders, or even celebrities. Write a list of the 3-5 people you respect the most. Then evaluate the list to determine which traits you like most about those people. Once you have your list of traits, ask yourself "If I could pick three of these traits to live the rest of my life by and be the happiest with my life, which three would they be?"
My core values are Duty, Integrity and Curiosity. If I live a life in which I fulfill my obligations without having to be asked, do what I say I'm going to do and approach the world eager to ask questions and learn, I would be happy with my life.
Once you narrow down your core values list down to your top three, you're ready for the next step in orienting your compass.
Write down the first of your three core values; underneath it, write three specific actions or behaviors that would support that value. Here are mine:
Duty:
1)I will clean up after myself and be responsible for my own stuff
2)I will treat others with love and kindness
3)I will be a positive influence on any environment or relationship
You can see that with each of these actions or behaviors it's easy to see if I am doing it or not, there is no gray area. It would obviously be a failure of behavior 1 if I left a mess somewhere, like trash on the floor in the movie theatre. It would also be a failure of behavior 1 if I lost my umbrella. Behavior 2 is even easier; did I come from a place of love when I interacted with somebody? If I ever ridicule or critize someone in a destructive way, I obviously failed at behavior 3.
Go ahead and write three behaviors for the second and third of your three core values.
You'll end up with a list of three core values and nine behaviors. For the next 90 days, match your actions with the values and behaviors on your list. When you get into a situation where you normally act outside of these values, you're going to have to be very deliberate about acting in this new way.
The most challenging times for me are when I have an emotional response to something. In the heat of the moment, I have to remind myself how I want to act and that being a leader in my life is more important than getting angry, irritated or scared. Then I act the opposite of how I feel.
I actually have a bracelet that has "Act the Opposite" written on it to help me remember. Do whatever you must in order to change your behavior; the rest of your life depends on it.
When I started doing this myself, I started seeing immediate changes in how I felt and in my relationships with others. Everything in my life has changed for the better, yours will too.
I am working on another article to follow up the first 90 days of living your values. In the meantime, choose your core values, write down the behaviors that support them and start living them.
Take the Lead,
Jeremiah
Failure: The Secret of Success
"Failure is the raw material from which success is forged." - Jeremiah Miller
"Are you having a breakdown or a breakthrough?" - Tim Ferriss
When was the last time in your life that you felt amazing?
When was the last time that you felt on top of the world because of a huge success?
Let's consider that success. Was it luck? Did it just happen to you? Or was is a result of your hard work, your perseverance, your overcoming challenges, your picking yourself up off the ground every time you got knocked down until you didn’t get knocked down anymore? If the success made you feel amazing, it was likely the latter.
This concept of success having more value if it was difficult to achieve has permeated the human consciousness for millennia, in fact the saying "No pain, no gain" has been with us since the mid 1600s.
People learn through repeated attempts; repeated failures. Picture a toddler taking his first steps, jerking forward unsteadily on shaky legs, then falling down, crawling to the nearest piece of furniture, pulling themselves up, and setting out across the room again.
When any of us make the decision to grow in our lives, we are that toddler. Whether it's physical growth, like running a marathon or putting on 10 lbs of muscle; intellectual growth, like learning a new language; or emotional growth, like becoming a leader, or being a better husband or father; growth and eventual success come from failure.
Think about how you learned the most important lessons in your life. Did you learn them from something that went well for you, or did you learn through failing? As a state champion wrestler, I always learned more from my losses that I did my wins. It’s been the same way in the rest of my life; I've learned to set proper expectations with business partners because of a brutal business failure; I’ve learned to keep toxic people out of my life because of failed friendships with people who added only negativity; I’ve learned to be a loving husband because of lessons i've learned in my marriage.
I owned a mortgage company from 2004-2007; my brother, David, came to work for me on a summer internship right out of college. Not only hadn’t he sold anything before, but he also didn’t know anything about the mortgage business, and to top it off he was battling anxiety disorder. His job was to make cold calls to homeowners and find someone who was interested in speaking with a loan officer for a refinance; he would then pass the call off to an experienced loan officer.
The first few weeks of his internship were extremely difficult for him. He struggled with something that plagues most salespeople, call avoidance. He had acquired an aversion to picking up the phone and making his calls each day because of getting hung up on and being told “No” all day. One night after work, he confided in me how really didn’t think he could stick with this job for the whole summer. He got told “No” at least 25 times each day and he was to the point that he was scared to pick up the phone.
I asked him what he thought his job was. He said “To call people who might want to refinance and find out if they do.” I told him that starting the next day, his job was to collect “NOs”. That each day, his goal was to come into the office, get on the phone and get told “NO” at least 50 times. By the end of the summer, he had to have collected 1000 rejections in order for his internship to be considered a success. And, I didn’t care if he found a single person to tell him “yes”. As soon as collecting rejections became the objective it stopped being scary. He also started having successes.
David got his 1000 “NOs” that summer.
Fast forward five years. David is now the number one salesperson, out of 800 in his division, in the entire Western U.S. at one of the most prestigious life insurance companies in the country. During his first year at this company, he made three times as many cold calls as the average salesperson in his office. David learned to embrace failure.
As long as you accept responsibility for your failures and you learn from them, your failures will pave your path to success.
Because failure is vital to success, failure is precious. Pay attention to your failures; learn the lessons they are there to teach you. If you don’t learn the lesson this time, the same failure will come back around again and again until you do.
Get out there and fail.
Jeremiah
Push/Pull
People are like magnets. There are two ways to influence others and get what you want; either pushing, or pulling. Pushing, or using "push energy", is when you influence others by telling them what to do. Pulling, or using "pull energy" is when you influence others through your actions and behavior.
Another way to think about it is that using push energy is when you get somebody to do something that they don’t want to do; using pull energy is when you get somebody to do something that they do want to do. The secret of pull energy is that you can use it to change people’s minds about what they do and don’t want to do.
Imagine that you want your five year-old son to clean his room. How do you get the outcome that you want? Most parents would use push energy; they would demand that he clean his room or they would threaten with a consequence if he doesn’t clean his room. Both of these methods are “pushing”.
If you wanted to use pull energy to get the same outcome, you would create an environment in which he wanted to clean his room. You could do that by creating a game out of it; by cleaning his room, he earns points towards a reward. Better yet, you have been modeling the right behavior, cleaning your room, in a positive, fun way for as long as your son could remember. Cleaning his room goes from something that he doesn’t want to do, to something he does want to do.
Take a minute and think about how you interact with others and how you get what you want. Do you spend most of your time pushing or pulling? The most effective way to get others to behave the way you want them to is to model that behavior, consistently, and in a positive manner.
In your marriage or relationship, the best way to get the physical affection that you want is to pull it. How do you do this? By taking the time to look and act attractive to her; by spending time exercising and by eating well; by paying attention to your personal grooming and how you smell; by making her feel special and paying attention to her. You get what you want by acting in a way that attracts her to you. Simple right? It is simple, and it is ignored by many husbands and boyfriends.
In your job, the best way to get the outcomes that you want is to pull them. You can read six things you can do to become a leader and get what you want at work here.
With your friends, your kids, even your adversaries, using pull energy will get you what you want. There are however a couple of challenges that you must overcome in order to become a successful “puller”.
First, you must determine what it is that you want. Many of us aren’t this deliberate; most of us haven’t spent the time to figure out the exact outcomes we are looking for. Second, you must act in a way that attracts or pulls those outcomes to you. For example, if you want your wife or girlfriend to get in better shape and lose a few pounds, you would start exercising and eating better yourself. Focus on your own behavior; her behavior will follow.
Here is the one thing you can start doing today to put pull energy to work for you. This exercise is focused on improving your marriage/relationship, but can be applied to any situation. There are two steps to this exercise. For many people, this really tough; don’t get down on yourself if you lapse into old behavior; just acknowledge it and jump right back into the exercise.
Step 1: Write down the behaviors and attributes that make your wife/girlfriend most attractive to you. Also, write down what you hate or what really turns you off.
Step 2: Start behaving the way that would attract you and cut out all of the turn-off behaviors.
As an example, I love it when my wife comes home from work in a good mood. I am really attracted to my wife when she is smiling, laughing and having fun. It feels great when she really listens to me. It makes me feel special when she wants to spend time engaged with me and taking care of me.
So, with those behaviors identified as things that attract me to my wife, I start doing them. Regardless of how good or crappy my day was, I need to be in a good mood when I come home. I need to have fun with her, smile and laugh with her, I need to really listen to her when she is telling me about her day or sharing a story. I need to spend time with her, doing what she wants and I need to make her feel taken care of.
Because I am doing these things consistently, I start seeing these behaviors coming right back at me. Because I am acting in a way that attracts/pulls her to me, she starts acting in a way that pulls me to her; win/win!
Taking these two steps can change your marriage and your life for the better. You will struggle with this, AND, it is absolutely worth it. Get started today; let me know how it goes.
Take the lead,
Jeremiah
Leadership is Not a Title
I was at work about a week ago and one of my co-workers, Lea, brought her timecard for me to sign. My office mate and I must have been talking about leadership, because as I handed back her timecard, Lea said, with a half-hearted smile "I remember when I was a leader." She was just trying to be funny, but as she said it, the weight of the statement hit her. She was referencing that at her previous company, she was much higher up the org. chart and had much more responsibility.
I didn't say anything in the moment, but her comment really effected me. I had been working with Lea for about a year and she brought so much to the team. She was smart, she took initiave, she was a good communicator. I always looked forward to hearing what she had to say about work; Lea had all the makings of a leader. In fact, she had been a leader, in action and in title, at her previous company. At this new job, she still retained all of the skills of a leader, she just didn't have the confidence; the problem was that she didn't see herself as a leader.
The next morning, I stopped by her desk to chat. We talked for a bit, then I reminded her that leadership wasn't a title; that any person in a company can be a leader. I told her that leaders self-identify by acting like leaders; I thought of her as a leader and she regularly inspired me to do better work and to work harder. She immediately got the point, in fact she had probably been on the other end of this conversation many times.
Leadership is not a title; leadership is behavior. Regardless of what title you have on your business card, or if you don't even have a business card, you can become a leader in your organization. Here are 6 things you can start doing today to become a leader at your work.
1. Do your job well - You've got to cover the basics before you will start to feel like, or be treated like a leader. Also, if you aren't doing well within your job role, you'll know it and that knowledge will prevent you from having the confidence you need to be a leader.
2. Take an interest in your co-workers - Spend 10-15 minutes each day getting to know the people you work with. First, identify the people who are leaders (remember, titles don't matter) and find out what their interests are, do they have kids, etc. It is a powerful thing to be in relationship with many people in various parts of your company.
3. Make new employees feel welcome - Most organizations don't do a very good job of making new people feel welcomed; that leaves a great gap for you to fill. When a new employee starts, go say "hi" on their first day and let them know if they need any help finding their way around, you'd love to help.
4. Be prepared for meetings - Meetings are your chance to "show off" your ideas and your hard work. Spend enough time prior to a meeting to make sure that you are ready to be an idea leader in that meeting.
5. Give compliments - Start by complimenting 3 people each day; eye contact and sincerity are key here. Find a real reason to compliment, i.e. "I really appreciate all the work you put in on this project", or "You've got some great ideas about how to meet the deadline" Chances are, there are people doing good, underappreciated work at your company; find them and let them know how valuable they are.
6. Ask for help/advice - Nothing is a greater compliment, or makes people feel more valued that when you go to them for help or advice. Most of us have at least half a dozen things that we are struggling with at work right now. Pick one or two and go ask someone for their advice.
6.1. *Advanced Leadership Tip* Ask advice from someone who you don't have a good relationship with. If you go to someone who you are really competitive with or who may be intimitated by you or see you as a rival and ask them for advice, you will start to see big, positive changes in your relationship.